--- breaking the silence ---Toward a Theory of Women's Doctoral Persistence
© Roberta-Anne Kerlin, 1997
In writing about their doctoral experiences six of the women described some of their preconceptions of what it might be like to pursue a doctorate. For two of the women the doctorate seemed to represent an almost insurmountable challenge - something akin to climbing Mount Everest. Maggie did not seem to have an image of herself as even worthy of being a doctoral student, much less an image of finishing the degree and venturing into the world as a Ph.D. Preconceptions of the Doctoral Experience
... I really had no over all idea of what to expect. I was surprised I was even accepted. Furthermore, even though I started the program I never thought I would finish. I left myself open to the possibility of quitting all the time. I reflect now as to whether this was a buffer for me, perhaps a fear of failure was haunting me .... Not that I set myself up to fail. It was the thought of that responsibility that comes along with being successful.Maggie identified her fear of failure as epitomizing the risk that she might be successful. However, what is less easily understood are the risks Maggie associates with 'success' and becoming a Ph.D.
> Much like Maggie, Sarah's preconception of the doctorate seemed like an unending series of obstacles to be overcome - obstacles that were related to her own self-doubt. Self-doubt was her constant companion throughout her doctoral years and even a successful final defense was not sufficient to ameliorate this feeling.
While in Maggie and Sarah's experiences an extraordinary sense of self-doubt represents one end of a continuum, at the other extreme, Tracy and Zoe held idealized preconceptions of the doctoral experience. Both used the analogy of a "great big coffee shop in the sky" to represent the kind of atmosphere and intellectual discourse they'd hoped to find in their programs. Tracy wrote of her early expectations:
I think I imagined that it would be a sort of great big coffee shop in the sky kind of experience where everybody was intellectually stimulating and interesting and interested and fun basically. It represented a voyage for me into my adult life, into a career, into a sense of accomplishment and sense of independence. I imagined being surrounded by people that were accepting of my intellectual interests and supportive of my individuality and my politics. I think I imagined that everyone would be politically interested and involved too. Academically I thought it would be like undergrad only where you take classes that are vastly more interesting, more complex and more specialized.Tracy returned from overseas after taking a year off following her master's degree to contemplate her future. She described the idea of a Ph.D. as something that was still 'very much in her blood.' She thought "doing a dissertation would be about doing something completely new." She knew it would be something she would enjoy and she imagined she would have a great deal of independence in graduate school.
Zoe readily confessed to being both an idealist and a romantic when she reflected on her preconceptions of the doctoral experience:
i had this notion that grad school would offer stimulating discourse and dialogue between students and faculty .... [i had] this mental picture of the "coffee house" atmosphere where minds could go to work and really debate and dig into issues.Denise was much less idealistic in her preconceptions of the doctoral experience. She had a friend who spent three years trying to write her own thesis.
It took several years of therapy for her to let go of it and move on--degree still incomplete.And by the time Denise had made her decision to pursue a Ph.D. she was very clear about both the process and her goals.
I wasn't as wide-eyed anymore. I knew what the hoops were and that it wouldn't be easy.Denise also had the support of a partner "who had made it" and she had many good friends with doctorates. She knew she was smart enough, but she also knew it would be "a matter of not letting 'them' win."
To Helen, the doctorate as a credential, represented "a license to teach, a hurdle perhaps, or hoop." However, with respect to the process, she thought mostly it would be whatever she made of it. In entering the doctoral program she was motivated more by the desire to stimulate and feel connected with her own learning than she was by any desire to acquire another credential.
My own learning is what keeps me alive ... somehow, the notion of fun / enjoyment has to come in.Helen viewed the doctorate as an opportunity for growth rather than a process of "moving forward" and from the beginning she has been insistent that the experience be an enjoyable and affirming one.
It dawned on me that I could, if you're interested, send you a copy of my proposal -- might give you some idea of how unusual I'm trying to keep my experience in the academy. This whole process of writing a dissertation should be affirming!The preconceptions of the doctoral experience held by the women in this study range from a seemingly insurmountable challenge accompanied by extreme self-doubt on one end of a continuum, to an idealized and romantic conception of the experience at the other end. From my discussions with the women these idealized conceptions of the doctoral experience may be more closely aligned with the hopes they had about the anticipated quality of their experiences than they were with any real expectations they held about the doctoral process.
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