--- breaking the silence ---Toward a Theory of Women's Doctoral Persistence
© Roberta-Anne Kerlin, 1997
The women in this study identified a number of issues and concerns relating the to course work phase of their programs. However, it should be kept in mind that within the broader context of their experiences all the women, except Maggie, generally experienced this as one of the least problematic and, in some cases, the most enjoyable phase of their programs. This was especially true for Sarah: Ph.D. Course Work
The classes are by far the easiest part, even when you're taking four at a time!The factors the women described as influencing the course work phase of their programs can be thought of as falling within two broad areas: the task and relational dimensions of their programs (Figure 4.) Included within the task dimensions of the program are: (1) program requirements and expectations; and (2) status (enrollment, employment and commuter status). The relational dimensions of the course work phase of the program include university relationships (with faculty and peers) and other role demands (partner, parent and elder care). Each one of these dimensions either enhanced or diminished the degree to which the women felt integrated within their programs.
Task Dimensions of Course Work
Within the Task Dimensions of the course work phase of the doctorate the issues and concerns that women in this study described as either enhancing or diminishing their progress related to (1) program requirements and expectations and (2) status.
Figure 4. Overview of Task and Relational Dimensions of the Course Work Phase of the Doctorate.Five women, Sarah, Tracy, Zoe, Denise and Maggie, described some of the issues related to course requirements and expectations that influenced their doctoral experiences. Maggie enrolled in a combined master's-Ph.D. program and had credits from her master's program transferred to her doctoral institution. Because of institutional differences in the way credits were evaluated she did not receive full credit for her master's work. As a result, to meet the program requirements for the Ph.D., Maggie took a total of 28 courses, including one workshop and one course she audited. She took 11 courses during the first three years of her program while enrolled as a part-time student, 13 courses during her year of residency and 4 courses post-candidacy. The full impact this course load had on Maggie's health and well-being will be discussed more fully in conjunction with her program status.Program Requirements and Expectations
> Both Sarah and Tracy described concerns with the breadth of the course requirements. Sarah began her course work in 1989, taking one course in each of the spring and fall terms before registering as a full-time student in the fall. She described her program requirements as very loosely structured and, initially, she felt overwhelmed by the freedom of choice she had in selecting her courses and felt she needed more direction. She had never been notified of an orientation for new students, something she attributes possibly to the fact that she initially registered as a part-time student; neither did she receive formal advisement regarding course selections in her first year of study. She simply reviewed course materials and the university catalog and registered for what she thought were the appropriate required courses. Because the calendar stated that full-time residency was established by registering in 10 credit hours of courses per quarter, Sarah registered for four 3-hour credit courses in both the fall and spring quarters of her first year. Only later did she find out that students usually met the residency requirement by taking three courses plus one hour of independent study each quarter. Sarah also worked between 20 and 25 hours a week at her assistantship and carrying the extra course gave her a workload that was heavier than most students, which she described as "something that really hampered my mental health." She saw the faculty as "particularly proud" that a 3-hour course in her department was at least as much work as a 4 or 5-hour course in any other department. Over time, she came to see the benefit of a more loosely structured program which she described as a "sort of a do-it-yourself project." She discovered a number of different topics that she loved and was able to construct a program that was uniquely suited to her own interests.
However, there were times when both Sarah and Tracy experienced the course requirements as restrictive. Tracy reflected:
I thought I could indulge myself and take the courses I wanted to etc. But there is a fairly rigorous list of requirements for the doctorate. This only means that some of my intellectual interests must be postponed until I have the time to work on these interests on my own.Sarah, too, felt constrained by course requirements. By the first semester of her second year Sarah had her full dissertation committee in place and they met that fall to approve the course selections she had outlined for her program. Each member made specific suggestions about courses they thought would be related to her interests. Before they would agree to 'sign off' on her program they insisted that Sarah take at least two courses in statistics.
... they thought this would make me a better 'consumer' and a more capable advisor on down the road (their rationale was, how could I advise a student who was doing quantitative research if I didn't understand it?)However, Sarah had already decided that a qualitative orientation to research more appropriately characterized the kinds of research questions she was interested in.
... so I agreed to be railroaded in two stats classes (which I kind of enjoyed, I just don't happen to be interested in the kinds of questions that are answered by statistical methods). I should have said that it was highly unlikely I would even WANT to advise someone who was interested in quant.-oriented questions).In the end, one of the statistics courses was never offered and Sarah substituted a different course, but during the negotiation process with her committee she felt as if she'd been railroaded into an agreement in which her interests were not respected.
Like Sarah, Zoe's way of looking at the world seemed to be more closely aligned with qualitative rather quantitative orientations to research. However, she found herself in a very traditional sociology department that had a strongly quantitative orientation and relied heavily on statistical approaches to inquiry and data analysis. To Zoe, this approach seemed to be a rather foreign way of understanding the world. Statistics was also Zoe's "weak suit." While she felt sufficiently confident to handle statistical computations, she was less certain about her ability to understand why and when a particular approach or method might be used; because her ability to 'really understand' what she was doing had always been central to her own sense of accomplishment, her lack of intellectual fit with the program in the department left her feeling as though something about herself was lacking.
I remember making the comment several times that i felt like a fraud-- that i was pulling the grades, but didn't feel as if i were getting and retaining the knowledge i needed and, in many ways, throughout the entire experience i always felt like an outsider in the department.What stood out most for Zoe was a pervasive feeling that her course work was fragmented.
i still feel as if my education was more of the "hit-and-miss" variety and that my coursework and understanding of sociology, the subject i love, is fragmented and lacks a degree of integration and coherence .... Each course i took seemed to stand independently of all the others i was taking and i never did get the feel that anything i took in the course of my education seemed to "fit" with anything else i had taken. When i raised this concern to my advisor i was continually told that the problems arose from the fact that our department was small, we had numerous faculty on sabbatical, and were just not equipped to offer a sequential set of course offerings like i was proposing.In contrast to Zoe, Camila had little difficulty with 'intellectual fit' in her department. Her years of schooling in history in Argentina had provided her with a background in research and before entering her doctoral program she was already quite familiar with anthropology and interpretive research methods. She took courses in her doctoral program that examined other research methods but she was uncomfortable with some of the "ethical stances."
so ethnography was natural to me. just before i came to the usa i remember i read the life of a scientist by david l. on bateson's life and loved it. i thought i would be an anthroeducational person of sorts. plus in teaching p.e. i had informally used ethnographic techniques to assess my students: participant observation, note taking, note making, interviews, artifact analysis. it sounds funny--its the truth.Denise described only one experience that stood out in her mind relating to the course work phase of her program, but it was one that taught her a great deal about herself as well as her professor's expectations of what constituted acceptable academic discourse. During her first year of doctoral work Denise took a class in which students were required to write a midterm exam, a four-page popular culture scrapbook and a major term paper. The midterm exam required students to respond to questions discussing films they had seen in the course. The class was taught by a professor who Denise described as "the most politically outspoken feminist in the department." Denise anticipated this professor would not be strict about the form of her writing. She thought the ideas would be more important than form. Each of Denise's responses on the midterm went a page over the stated limit; they did not have introductions, conclusions or thesis statements. They were explorations of the material. After the exam, Denise was informed that this approach was not acceptable. The instructor had expected students to write "full academic essays." She also informed Denise that as a graduate student, she should not have been concerned about length, but Denise noted that the written instructions had been clearly delineated on the exam: undergraduates - 4 pages; graduates - 6 pages. Although it had been a 'take-home' exam, Denise's experience from 20 years of education told her that her writing style had been appropriate. Her instructor had thought otherwise and the outcome was that the instructor told Denise that she didn't know how to write.
For her second assignment in this class, Denise very carefully constructed each page of the scrapbook with a clear thesis. On this assignment, she received full credit. On the final paper Denise spent a great deal of time and energy constructing a text that resembled "academic" writing. She began by introducing scholars who had written about the theory she was using and then wrote a full introduction, complete with thesis statement. The body was filled with examples and quotations that supported her points and the conclusion drew the paper to a close.
The instructor graciously admitted that at least this paper was well written. Gosh, thanks. This time I knew what her expectations were. It should never have been a question of my ability to write, rather my understanding of her expectations of writing. She still gave me a B. It wasn't the paper SHE would have written. But then I wasn't one of her favorites and she hadn't told me what to "cover" even though I'd met with her to discuss the paper.This was an important event in Denise's experience that ultimately shaped her subsequent approaches to writing and influenced her choice of dissertation topic.This event made me angry. Very angry! To this day I dislike the professor in question. It's all the more ironic that I was one of her TAs at the time, and I was grading undergraduate exams. I was also running the writing center on campus and tutoring students in a variety of disciplines.
After that experience I began consciously pushing at the borders and trying on what I considered rather outrageous written styles to see what faculty would think and to explore how the writing style influences how and what we think.In summary, issues identified by the women in this study relating to the task dimensions of course work - program requirements and expectations - included the following:
- evaluation of transfer credit;
- the importance of program advisement when needed;
- program requirements: the range of available courses; the degree to which students are permitted to shape their own programs;
- integration of content across courses;
- intellectual fit with the dominant research paradigm in the department;
- clarity of performance expectations in courses.
Program status is the second element within the task dimensions of the course work phase of the doctorate that women described as influencing their experiences. Issues relating to program status included enrollment, employment and whether or not one commuted great distances to the university on a regular basis. Each of these factors, in one way or another, either enhanced or diminished the women's sense of integration within their programs.Program Status
The women in this study who were enrolled full-time and held either research or teaching assistantships and did not commute great distances described more positive experiences that enhanced their degree progress. With the exception of Maggie, all the women in this study were registered as full-time students during the first year of study and thus fulfilled their residency requirements at the start of their programs. Maggie did not complete her residency requirement until the fourth year of her program.
Maggie began her course work in the spring of 1988. During the first three years of her program she was enrolled as a part-time student and took a total of 11 courses at the rate of two or three courses per semester. She was also employed as a clerk in the university library where she worked an 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. shift and because her husband was also attending school full-time it was her job that served as their primary source of income during most of this period. One benefit of Maggie's employment was the release time she was given to take a class during the day, but to do this demanded a schedule she described as "horrendous." She worked Mondays and Wednesday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., as well as a Tuesday shift from noon to 9 p.m. and rotating Saturdays. To accommodate her the one day class she was required to work Thursday evenings as well. She found the schedule particularly hectic since she had to return to work after class. In addition, she taught part-time in the community to enhance her professional skills and to supplement their finances. Maintaining this schedule "allowed little time for anything but eating occasionally and sleeping." As the primary bread-winner she found herself "pushing the boundaries of physical and emotional exhaustion."
I literally remember having crying jags as a consequence of my schedule. I saw little of my husband as he took on night jobs and temporary jobs during odd hours. Weekends were packed from the moment I got up to the moment I finally went to bed.At times Maggie thought by pushing herself to finish the degree sooner she and her husband could leave the south and move back to the northwest. On less hopeful days she thought she might never finish the degree.
Ironically, throughout the entire course of my study, in the back of my mind, I kept repeating to myself, "Well, I may not even finish this d ...The demands of her academic and work schedules had a devastating impact on Maggie's already fragile self-confidence. She described her "quitting escapism" as a "security blanket" that helped her to deal with both "the pain of the loneliness" she was experiencing and "the risk of accomplishment." To Maggie, her fear of failure seemed to epitomize the risk that she might be successful.
Not that I set myself up to fail. It was the thought of that responsibility that comes along with being successful. After all, if I can accomplish working 8-4, class 4-8 and projects 8pm to 3-4 am for two weeks I should be able to do anything, right? This fear manifested itself in an obsession for perfection and bigger and better papers, projects, etc. I was constantly seeking a better way which often times impeded the progress of my projects and ultimately extended my early morning hours. I developed a drive that I believe has made me a bit neurotic, because even if it is wonderful, I question what more, I look for a flaw and even make them up.Maggie was the only woman in this study who received neither teaching nor research assistantships during her program. Two women, Sarah and Camila, received research assistantships while Tracy, Denise, Zoe and Helen each held teaching assistantships. The other six women's experiences holding university assistantships will be discussed in more detail toward the end of this chapter.
In addition to enrollment and employment, one women's status as a commuter student influenced the degree to which she felt integrated in the department and, in her assessment, also influenced faculty attitudes toward her. Zoe was the only woman who commuted long distance - 120 miles a day - throughout her program which meant she didn't have the same opportunities as other students to socialize with her colleagues and she believed her 'commuter status' contributed to some faculty members seeing her as less committed to her studies.
i always got the message, albeit subtly, from the graduate faculty that they, too, thought i was doing this as a whim. maybe shaped by my commuter status since i couldn't be integrated as fully as students living close to the university ... i guess i can't blame them for their perceptions and the messages they gave off, but i do think it "stunted" my progress in the early years of grad school *and* i know it "stunted" the goals and aspirations i set for myself with regard to the kind of job i could get and the kind of job they saw me as "wanting" anyway. So, i guess that may account for many of my feelings that i did the grad school thing on my own with little support from faculty.
For these women, program status was an important factor that either enhanced or diminished their sense of integration within the department during the course work phase of their programs. Full-time enrollment, university-sponsored assistantships and living in close proximity to the university were factors the women perceived as enhancing their progress and contributing to faculty perceptions about students' commitment to their studies. These various task dimensions of the course work phase of the doctorate are presented in Figure 5.
Figure 5. Task dimensions of the course work phase of the doctorate.Relational Dimensions of Course Work
During the course work phase of their programs, the nature of the relationships women developed, both within their programs and outside the university, had significant and varied impacts on their doctoral experiences. The relational dimensions of the women's course work experiences within the university included the department milieu, relationships with faculty and peers and relationships with advisors. However, rather than restrict the discussion of this last dimension, advisor/advisee relationships, to a single context, it will be discussed more fully at a later point in the dissertation. The second category can be framed in terms of the role demands associated with non-university relationships including those of partner, parent and care of one's elders. The relational dimensions of the course work phase of the doctorate are depicted in Figure 6.
Figure 6. Relational dimensions of the course work phase of the doctorate.
Program Relationships
I never felt discriminated against or belittled as a woman, and I never heard of anyone having a problem (at least, not in my program) due to their gender, etc. There was never a problem with participation in the classroom (no apparent 'chilling effect').Helen, more than any of the other women, described her relationships with faculty in the context of some of the substantive issues she was wrestling with in her dissertation research. One of these issues related to the juxtaposition of her previous understandings of history with a newly acquired feminist perspective. One course, "Women in American History," she took "from a friend" just before entering the doctoral program made her realize how difficult it was to set aside her own learned approach to history - through the study of wars, explorers and dates - in favor of a more feminist approach to the subject. She found herself having to "fit the women" into her male version of history. Helen also described reading one particular book, >Women's Ways of Knowing, that had a significant influence on her thinking and her teaching practice.
I had learned very well to speak a second language (masculine, argumentative, debate, all that) but hadn't learned how to talk to women! .... Women's Ways of Knowing locates "separate knowing" ... as somewhat incomplete in comparison to connected knowing. I was euphoric (I've settled down a bit, but not entirely) over WWoK, and was worried about losing women's connected voices in an effort to teach them separate / argumentative style.Given this shift in her perspective, when Helen was given a teaching assignment, she was having "serious doubts about teaching argument to a class that, predictably, would be 60% women."
Helen also had a long standing "though unrequited" interest in philosophy. As an undergraduate she'd taken a course in philosophy, but found it incomprehensible and eventually dropped it. In her doctoral program, one of the courses she selected was the Rhetoric of Philosophical Debate. However, with the experience of the history course still fresh in her mind, she didn't want to "frame" her "newfound chance to know something about philosophy in a traditional, male framework." She began searching "for something to read about 'feminist philosophy' that would provide a feminist frame."
I could, I thought, then fit in the 'dead white males' while retaining the feminist foundation -- as I'd had to fit the women into my male version of history.After a number of inquiries Helen was directed to one particular professor.
I walked in during her office hours, briefly went through the story above, and asked if she could suggest something for me to read. She rummaged a bit in her book shelves, pulled out a book that I've since bought and gone back to many times. So in a sense, she was able to listen to me and provide what I needed.Helen found the faculty in her department to be supportive, open to students' ideas and flexible. Even after she left the campus following her residency one faculty member learned to use electronic mail so Helen could take a course long-distance with her that fall term.
Three women, Camila, Zoe and Maggie, experienced what could be thought of as critical events in their relationships with faculty during the course work phase of the doctorate. These events had varied degrees of influence on the women's experiences.
When I asked Camila whether there were particular people, experiences or events during the course work phase of her program that stood out in her mind as being significant she described an interaction with a professor in a statistics class in which she "told the professor to his face in front of the whole class" that she didn't agree with his "manipulative grading techniques." I asked Camila to tell me more about this interaction.
the first assignment has a question that says "what is your interpretation of the data?" now, i take interpretation to mean: given the data you have, what are the possible ways to read them--explain them? which is what i did. he told me--and graded me down for it--that my answer was wrong. i asked whether i had failed in providing an explanation to what i had done and he said no. thus i said interpreted but not in your way. he didn t like this. he still graded me down. i stood up in front of the whole class--big lab and 35 people in them- and talked for 3 or 4 minutes non stop about what i thought about it. he interrupted my talk and i said 'don t interrupt me i haven t finished" and he turned pale. i was stressed out but finished with what i had to say. he didn t like it.Camila noted that because of this incident she since had acquired a somewhat legendary reputation in her department. She went on to add:
someone told me that "i was a legend" because of this event ... now it turns out to be that i do like math and he did everything thru math which to me is a big mistake if you are explaining basic stats techniques. i pointed this out too but i enjoyed the math approach so to speak also.In part, Camila attributed this conflict to cultural and ethnic differences.
i think i was too straight forward for the american culture to take it. the professor is korean which made things really difficult because we were both foreigners in America.Camila recalled "locking horns" with the same professor on the first day of class. He put a problem on the board and told the class that he was going to explain it.
as a matter of fact, the first day we already had {we had already} locked horns because he puts a problem up and says he is gonna explain it and i looked at it and calculated roughly with no formula cos i understood it and raised my hand and said "this is a way to do it" and he got sort of very uncomfortable because he wanted me to let him go thru the formula and explain it etc. etc. etc. etc. and when i provided my answer all he had to say was that my method was not accurate because you could not calculate to the last decimal (which was true, he was right on this and i knew this myself too--that was not important to me). so his response was an anal retentive approach and i remember thinking "this should be interesting." well believe me it was. by the 3rd project i went to his face and the ta's face and told both of them that i had triple checked every single answer and i did not want any i meant any points taken from my project. they did not take any. that was also amazing to me: they seemed to respond to threat. it was bitter and i felt pain in my stomach.I asked Camila whether the 'legendary' interaction with this professor had influenced how other faculty in the department related to her - or had influenced their expectations of her, in particular, those of her advisor. I wondered if she thought she might have broken some unspoken rule by questioning the professor and his classroom procedures.
at the end of the course i wrote a 3 page evaluation of the course and turned it in and signed it. my classmates said to me i was committing suicide. i was not and i knew it. the chair called me to the office; actually, i had said all of us should do something like this because all people complained about him. of course out of 35 only 3 did and one of them cos she was an officer in the student assoc and i felt she felt the pressure to do it. the third person is my boyfriend and he was as pissed as i was. when the chair called me in she also called the other two in her office and we had a nice talk and she said we were right. she said so and she also ensured and i know this for a fact that the next quarter things went differently and she also made recommendations based on our recommendations to the next year of stats teaching. so we did change things. the other professors thought i was mean i think. 2 of them told me to my face. one though told me he thought it was good that i had done this. and the chair took action. so i think we were right. i went to talk to the other stats professor and made sure he also understood what i had to say cos they were bragging about how they were coteaching and yet they used totally different criteria for everything: for teaching, assessing, giving tests etc. so i went into his office and asked to talk with him and told him what i thought. i also said the textbook was the worst choice for stats beginners and said this should not be used. they did not use it after that. i am tired of writing. i ll get back to you later.I asked Camila why she hadn't felt, as had some of her colleagues, that she would be committing academic suicide by openly expressing her dissatisfaction.
i think i felt like i usually do that stating what i think is important and may lead to change. it did in this particular circumstance. i think i must have known inside my head that change was possible and that the chair would listen to me or our requests as she did ... i think that i have been used to doing these kinds of things since i was young, a junior high student or so. and in a much more repressive context. so there i went. as we pointed out some other times though, this society is pretty anal and repressive anyways--under the cover of democracy and equality. it turns out to be difficult.Camila recalled having many memories of "telling things to people's faces and being put down or being discriminated against or being targeted as a 'problem' by others."
i think this somehow happened to me in the grad network when i raised the issue of pretending to accept or not accept people who were not yet in. i hate that kind of logic.Camila went on to describe how she felt both her gender and her outspokenness contributed to her being targeted as a problem by others.
Zoe's relational experiences in the course work phase of the doctorate had a mixed influence. On the one hand the task dimensions of the course work intensified her passion for social issues and she became much quicker to speak up and argue for the oppressed. She became less concerned about the material pleasures in life and more concerned about real change that makes the world a better place to live. These experiences influence both the nature of her friendships and her image of herself. While she has always seen herself as introspective, she now sees herself as even more reflective than she used to be with "little patience for false persons" and she prefers to associate with "those who are real and authentic."in argentina i was the president of a cooperative of workers and then i went on to be the president of a federation of cooperatives. as you can see, it was a high responsibility job. i was a woman and i was young and i was a PE teacher. i dealt with discrimination all the time and i used also to tell it like it was. however, in argentina, this is more common. i was able to do a lot of work with a lot of people so i know i have "relatively" good social and job-related skills. we accomplished a lot of things in those years so this is evidence of what i say. i noticed, however, there and here in particular, that young women in leadership positions are usually given a lot of BS. i also noticed that when a woman is strong and tells it like it is, she is immediately catalogued of men-like behaviour. i had consciously stepped out of leadership positions here though i did a LOT of work for the students' assoc and for the school in general etc. this also created friction with some people who did not like me saying what i thought. same thing applies with my adviser.
However, the interaction of the task and relational dimensions of Zoe's experiences during her course work seemed to have a mixed effect. In the classroom environment Zoe found scant attention given to "stimulating critical thinking and discussion among the students." To her the faculty members seemed "typically more concerned with "shaping" the student to his/her particular mindset and belief system" and the students seemed to align themselves accordingly.
Most of the students themselves were so consumed with concerns of continued funding and "competing" with one another for these scarce resources that few relationships were formed. And, those that were formed tended to align themselves along faculty interests (each student allying with the particular ontology and specialty area of the faculty he/she worked with) so, there was at all times an inherent division among the students based upon this.Zoe felt as if she was surrounded more by competitors and superiors than she was by colleagues.
We, as graduate students, were always reminded (by both action and subtle means) that we were the peons. we had not yet reached the level where we were taken as credible and serious scholars.Throughout the course work phase of her doctoral program Zoe continued the 120 mile commute each day to take courses and to fulfill her teaching assistantship in the department. And in addition to raising her children and maintaining the home front, she continued teaching part-time at her former undergraduate institution. After two years, the stress of balancing these multiple roles and responsibilities began to take its toll on Zoe.
But, did i stop? Did i tell anyone that things were really ganging up on me? Heck no! I had never learned to tell anyone that i "couldn't" do something. i just kept plugging away.For Maggie, whose self-confidence entering the doctoral program was shaky at best, a seemingly innocent remark by a professor in her first doctoral course was the only trigger needed to catapult Maggie into a "deep depression." Maggie had found the first course very interesting and the final project integrated concepts the students had been working on that semester. Maggie was crushed when, after her performance, the professor told her she was "getting stronger." Maggie showed a video tape of her performance to a friend whose response was to laugh, though no humour had been intended. Maggie was devastated. She had no friends to turn to. They were still so new in town and her husband was preoccupied with his own studies. She had no one to turn to for comfort or support.
I was experiencing such depression at work that it was all I could do to shelve a book.Unbeknownst to her professors, the stress and depression Maggie experienced that first semester was aggravated by a pre-existing thyroid condition which had been treated previously with medication. When Maggie and her husband had left the northwest her physician had wanted her to go off the medication for a period of time to test the level of thyroid in her system and to determine whether it would work on its own. The longer Maggie was off medication, the worse her depression became. Eventually complications set in and Maggie underwent outpatient surgery. Thereafter, she was able to resume her medication but it took some time before Maggie was able to recover physically and climb out of her depression and her loneliness and insecurity about returning to school seemed to prolong her recovery.
As part of her course work, Maggie also took a science course which she felt drew her back into "old patterns and hyperbehaviors" reminiscent of her early undergraduate years. She found her "old sense of competition coming back" and she hated it. Often quiet in her classes, Maggie questioned her own abilities constantly.
Reflection, doubt, and many questions were continuous with me.
At the same time Maggie's husband was struggling with his own self-confidence and although he'd always been supportive in the past, the strain began to take its toll and he and Maggie questioned their relationship endlessly. Maggie took other classes she enjoyed more; she learned a great deal, but working full-time, she found the workload very heavy. However, many times Maggie found her advisor was patient and supportive of her development.
The theory class was an eye opener for me and I gained a great deal from it. It required a great deal of reading and writing but my advisor was very patient and nurturing in helping me. She gave me a good direction for my papers.Other instructors were supportive of Maggie as well and were quite flexible about some of the program requirements. Maggie described one summer session as a "blessing" because she was "allowed to do an independent study" in lieu of a core requirement.
The demands of Maggie's work and academic schedules left little time for socializing and while many of her colleagues tried to include Maggie in some of the departmental social events, there was usually little time left in a day for such activities. Because of this, Maggie's primary contact with any of her colleagues in the department was a woman who came to work at the library. At first Maggie thought this would work out well, but soon she found herself caught in the middle of a major conflict at work between her supervisor and her colleague.The instructor was very thoughtful and available for me. She worked with my schedule and I submitted a presentation to the class. I wondered how others felt about this arrangement but I did not mention it to very many individuals. Those in the class seemed supportive.
I remember black days when I just wanted to stay out of the office and roam the collection, shelving etc. It was stressful. I eventually became so tied in to the conflicts between the two that I found myself angry with Doris and feeling very hostile.As the tension between Maggie and Doris escalated, Doris became increasingly "vicious" toward Maggie.
She would say little things and seem to revel in accomplishing a task better than I. Unfortunately, I got pretty caught up in it and in turn became paranoid in class. I never said anything but my self-confidence was becoming very weak. She had time to devote to many classes a week and performed in a local community company. I took one class a week, tops. Anyway, at our first seminar where we were to be tested, I tested a little higher than her in one of the grades. She looked at me and said "I guess I shouldn't even teach should I?" Needless to say, this entire competition like thing between us was carried over into the work area. It was hell. I know I did not make it easy for Doris many times. There were a couple of instances where I found an item that she could not locate. It would infuriate her. I became paranoid of even getting close to her desk. She was very territorial .... As Doris performed more and more, she gained more confidence and I always would put myself down in classes to build her up. It was a difficult time. I did not handle it well. Instead of directly confronting Doris in some way with her behavior, I reacted. And since I know my way of reacting is in the passive/aggressive style, often the silent treatment, I could not cope .... A lot of Doris's stress also came from her writing of her dissertation. She was forever trying to graduate. She did graduate in 1992, after many false alarms and disappointments. She was also having trouble with her boyfriend a lot.In the summer of 1991, Maggie took a full course load, working until four o'clock, attending classes until 7 p.m. and spending most of her evenings and well into the early mornings completing her projects.
I enjoyed this class but experienced some doubts about myself and felt quite isolated at times. My advisor was teaching the class and often had me sit up front of the class or right next to her. This was her way of helping me to feel more confident in the class. I appreciated her interest and she was aware of my schedule, in fact, she had scheduled the class purposely during this time that I might be able to attend. I know she respected my efforts and knew of the extreme difficulty it was for me to keep up. At least the studio schedule had lightened up by then so my evenings were free. The next class was an enjoyable one for me. It was the last class I took in which I felt totally relaxed and free. I felt my final project was insightful and invigorating. This project I wanted to try and publish someday.As her course work progressed Maggie gained increasing confidence from her accomplishments.
It took me awhile to believe in myself and stretch myself in my projects and ideas. I remember particular accomplishments in my Curriculum class, Summer 1991, with several projects that really impressed people, but although that was rewarding, my greatest reward was in finally recognizing the quality I was producing. I became engaged with ideas and enjoyed working with them, manipulating them, and applying them. My thoughts were never at rest.After three years as a part-time student, as Maggie entered her year of residency, she made a serious commitment to complete her degree.
I decided that I needed to hit things pretty hard for at least two years to get through the degree. It was at this time that I made the decision to go for the degree. I remember that summer day sitting in my in-laws home and going over the courses I needed to take etc. It was very overwhelming for me at that time. After I talked with my husband, I decided I had little recourse. The investment of time and I believe my own personal self-confidence level were strong arguments for me to proceed. My husband and I were at a crossroads. He was re-evaluating his direction for a career and was more flexible schedule wise. I was able to devote more time to studies and finishing the degree. I still would work full-time. I remember returning with a firm resolve to finish but with much anxiety over the schedule I was about to embark upon. I believe it was this time that I was officially seeing myself in the capacity of a professional. I had felt good about my performance in classes from the summer and was beginning to envision myself in the role of a promising scholar and teacher.Maggie described her residency as the "year from hell." In addition to working full-time, she took 9 credit hours (three courses) each semester and audited a particularly difficult class that was taught by her advisor. Each course had its unique demands but the most difficult aspect for Maggie was finding the time in any given day to complete course requirements.
I became enmeshed once again in the old feelings of competition where knowledge was a sport of who got there first. I had to realize that my fear of failure was most pronounced in [that particular] class because I had so much fear in my earlier years, I didn't know if I could cut the class or not ... I was literally paralyzed during exams and lectures. My French class was a breath of fresh air. I enjoyed the cultural enrichment of the language and the class was relaxing, even if it was a lot of work.Maggie took two courses from her advisor in the fall semester. One was a research methods course. The other was a technical methods class that Maggie had wanted to audit. She had approached her advisor who told her she was more than welcome to audit the class. However, once in the class Maggie started picking up a different message from her advisor.
I don't think she wanted me to take her up on that but I did. I had hoped to attend the class to refresh my skills and take the certification exam. This would count as one of my language requirements. This class is very time consuming because the work requires an intense amount of detail. Anyway, I believe my advisor was angry with me throughout the entire semester. I did not say a word in the class. She did not want to grade my work and often would say things to me in class. I began to get very paranoid about even showing up for awhile but I treated the class as if I had signed up. I even went in to take the final exam. She was surprised to see me and even told me that I didn't have to take the exam. I said, "I know". I think I had earned a degree of respect from her from this. Unfortunately, this class experience was compounded with my research methods class which she was also teaching.Maggie also described her experiences dealing with the stress she was experiencing in her research methods class. She attributed much of the stress primarily to her own shortcomings.
The other stresser was my research class. Although I love the art of research and the reading I always had difficulty in expressing my research directives. I was extremely paranoid of this class as well. My advisor was teaching it and she is always so wonderful and organized. But perhaps my fear from [my other course] was seeping in to my confidence level with this class because I literally became paralyzed in this class as well. Fear of my performance as lacking. And my weaknesses in writing were definitely coming out during this time. I guess it was like an incubation time, a rather painful one I might add, in sorting out feelings, ideas, and writing problems! I remember my husband taking me for a walk in which he just listened to me cry. The anxiety was incredible. I had never felt quite that suffocated before. I was still at work but felt that I was not up to the demands of the job either.Maggie also attributed some of her stress that semester, not only to her own perceived shortcomings, but to stress her professor was experiencing.
I think she was angry throughout the entire semester. I believe she was going through a great deal of personal stress and it just came out toward us in class. I remember going to class shaking. I also had problems tackling the questioning process in research and my writing was not clear. Needless to say, she critiqued my work in front of everyone and was less than kind. I remember when my mother visited that semester also, I had to go to class and my advisor was very cold to my mother who also attended the class with me. In fact, my mom sat outside and would not come in. I was really shaky that night because I had also gotten back one of my papers which was not well received. I regret she was so angry that semester. My mom is someone worth meeting. My mom was pretty taken aback with her and asked me if she was always that way. I said, it comes and goes.Maggie felt the environment her advisor created in the class that semester was, for the most part, not conducive to anyone's learning, neither her own nor that of the other students.Too bad that when her life is stressed it spills over into her classes. It makes the environment very tense and not conducive for learning. It makes it conducive for fear. I have seen her work hard to help individuals in class and I mean persistently working to engage the student. But when that student continues to miss the point, she turns her frustration loose. I have seen one student paralyzed to even speak after awhile. It is here that no learning takes place. It is here that anguish replaces any possibility of communication. And I know my advisor feels the same frustration and anguish.
Maggie had received a 'B' in her research methods paper that semester. When she saw the grade it caused her "great pain. " It had been Maggie's first 'B' in her doctoral program. In her own mind she knew that she "still had not accomplished the necessary writing 'savvy' to present a clear, concise study." However, when Maggie received her final grades she found her advisor had given her an 'A' for the course.
I asked her about it and she said that she felt I was sorting out ideas in the final project and even though it had not come together, my work in the course was excellent. I have always felt her to be very balanced and fair in her analysis of my work. She knew how to encourage me and challenge me.Finally the fall semester had come to a close.
I remember finishing up my projects and wanting to collapse. It was definitely a stresser. I still remember the feelings of heaviness and suffocating under the pressure of literally spending every minute from the time I got off work to the time I went to bed at night.In the spring semester of 1992, Maggie maintained a hectic schedule, working full-time, taking three difficult classes and studying for her teaching methods certification at different grade levels. She began speaking out more frequently in class and in the class she was auditing with her advisor, Maggie was "really impressed" with the way her advisor skillfully drew the students out and encouraged them to express their opinions. It was this same semester, after discussing her ideas with her advisor, that Maggie began to develop a new direction for her research. The year of residency had been one of "trying to survive" but by the time it was over, Maggie was feeling more confident about her accomplishments and her potential as a scholar than she had at any time in her academic career.
> For Tracy, the task dimensions of the course work were distinctly more time consuming than she had ever imagined as an undergraduate, but she also found it stimulating in many new ways. Tracy experienced a lot of support from both male and female professors alike and, although sometimes she felt like she had to guess what the professors expected or wanted before she would gain their support, Tracy valued their often constructive input. However, Tracy and her colleagues found the professors to be less supportive of something that seemed too new or different and often they were advised to do something that would "sell" so they could get jobs. Tracy also questioned whether professors' motives best serve their own, or the students' interests.
Jobs are really the focus of the ranking profs of the dept. They want us to go out and make them a name it seems. So though I appreciate the advice on marketability, I don't like feeling so much like a commodity. Original and interesting ideas aren't always the "coolest" ideas.For four women, Tracy, Denise, Maggie and Camila, the peer support networks they established during their course work had important and positive benefits.
I think my colleagues have been remarkable in sustaining me at times when I have felt most insecure. The conference I co-chaired ... was a good example. I felt very overwhelmed with it and very insecure. I remember trying to speak to some individuals only feeling foolish. I also felt patronized by some individuals, like, "You'll come along in time" .... I did get some very good feedback from many people. My colleagues were highly complimentary. They were more than aware of the work entailed and where the spotlight was going. They were very supportive and continue to do so.Throughout her program Tracy has come to depend on her friends for a great deal of support. When she reflected on the course work phase of her program, it was her friends who stood out as most significant in her experiences. Her friends offered their support for both her learning and personal growth and without this, she said her doctoral experience would have been very different. Now that she has completed her coursework she knows less and less about the other students in the department but she and her friends were convinced that the department was going to "suck" when they leave.
> While Denise's partner and advisor were her greatest allies, a study group that Denise and her colleagues formed in her first semester while taking the pro seminar evolved into a strong peer support network of friendships that lasted throughout her program and beyond. However, the women's purpose in establishing the support network was motivated less by their love of learning and/or any desire they originally might have had to work together collaboratively and more by inauspicious circumstances in the department at the time. The department had been intending to issue new guidelines for the graduate program. This was delayed for quite some time and when the guidelines were presented to the students, Denise and her colleagues perceived the change in rules, mid-stream, as a threat.
... this perceived "attack" from our faculty assisted us in forming a tight knit little group who studied together and over the course of the next three years, changed the tenor of faculty-student relations to some degree by getting more student involvement in faculty decisions. I don't mean that we made it "rosie." There are still numerous problems in my department. But because we felt we had to join together, several students from my year have really supported one another. This is a strong influence in my success.In addition to this support network Denise had many friends "who have already run the gauntlet and know the ropes" and knowing that the graduate studies office was there to support her in the face of any difficulties she might encounter with the department helped to make Denise "feel more powerful and confident."
I can't diminish the importance of the study group ... We were all women and we stuck together for the better part of three years as a group. For the first year we studied together preparing for the comprehensive exam that we all had to take. Then we developed into a support group. We celebrated as each of us passed our personal comps 1-2 years later. We got together occasionally to relax. We helped one another through illnesses. We took care of one another's cars, apartments, etc. when we were out of town. We listened. And a few of us shared papers and commented on one another's drafts. A few of us even proofread comps for each other.I'm still in touch with four of these women. Three of them are at a similar dissertation stage to me and we try to encourage each other.
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