--- breaking the silence ---Toward a Theory of Women's Doctoral Persistence
© Roberta-Anne Kerlin, 1997
At the time of my own defense in April, 1997, five of the seven women had successfully defended their dissertations and four were employed in academe, one in a tenure-track position. Sarah accepted a new appointment as Director of Admissions at a private 4-year college in the southern U.S. Denise is the director of a writing center at a predominantly undergraduate institution; Zoe, who held a tenure-track position in Sociology at her undergraduate institution accepted a one year appointment at a 4-year undergraduate institution on the east coast and plans to return to her home in the mid-west at the end of the 1996-1997 academic year. She is still uncertain as to whether she and her husband will be able to sustain their marriage. Camila is a sessional lecturer at her doctoral institution and although she married an American citizen while studying in the US, she continues to battle a US Immigration requirement that she leave the US for two years before reapplying to enter the US. Tracy successfully defended her dissertation on April 1st, 1997 and has accepted a position in the private sector as an assistant editor for a publishing company. Women's Understandings of the Post-Degree Experience
Both Camila and Denise have made relatively smooth transitions during their post-doc period. For Sarah and Zoe the post-doc period has been one of intense reflection about their doctoral experiences and about who they have become in the process. Both women experienced a significant post-doctoral depression; both experienced significant problems in the relationships with their partners as an outcome of the doctorate; and both women were exhausted from the experience.
I think if I had to pick a word that sums up the doctoral experience, exhaustion would have to be it. I don't know how anyone with kids manages to complete the degree. If I'd had to go home to kids and deal with them and their needs every day, and THEN try to handle the workload, I would never had made it. I'm frankly a little surprised that I managed to keep a relationship going during most of that time period. [Sarah]For Sarah, the loss of two marriages, including the loss of her home with the second, the loss of her appendix -- and most of her savings along with it -- meant that money, or "the ability to live without constantly worrying about not having any money -- was a major factor" that contributed to the stress and exhaustion she experienced. It was some time before she was able to come to terms with her ambivalent feelings about the degree.
I only recently had my degree framed and put on my office wall (everyone in my consulting firm tends to display their college and/or law degrees, it seems to be part of our culture there) .... I rarely if ever use the "doctor," .... For a long time, I didn't really want to admit that I had the doctorate. I think that's sort of a denial thing; it cost me so much in terms of finances and emotional toll that I sort of wanted to forget it once the defense was done. Ironic, isn't it? I worked for five years to get the degree, now I don't even tell people I have it.I asked Sarah how she might explain the doctoral experience to someone who hasn't been through it.
Well, it's probably not "rigorous," but I've always described it to people as similar to giving birth, except that it lasts longer and the end product weighs less. Otherwise, I'm sure that there are many similarities (at least I assume, I haven't had kids).Even Sarah's family didn't really understand the nature of the experience she'd been through. Only one of her brothers asked to see her dissertation.
he actually read part of it, although he said he didn't understand it .... We had some brief discussions about that when I was visiting him over Christmas .... My mother's only questions regarding the D were "how's it going?" and "when are you going to graduate?" Ron says the same thing; his family (particularly his mother, I guess) asks how his "paper" is progressing. As though this were just some 20-page assignment for a class. But having experienced this, I can say that no one understands who hasn't been through it. Even my friends in the program who are just starting to write, or have just finished general, don't really comprehend what "doing a dissertation" really means.Then Sarah began to describe the ambivalent feelings she associated with the degree, the symbiotic nature of the dissertation process -- her fear of stopping -- her fear of moving forward.
For one, you're scared spitless at some point in the process. It's like you want to go back or quit or stop moving inexorably toward whatever it is that happens at the end, but you just can't. I'm sure that at some point, as a woman is being wheeled into a delivery room or having a contraction, where she thinks to herself "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all." It's kind of like that. But by _that_ time, you have such an investment (in the dissertation and the program), that you simply can't give up. You can't become a statistic. And the dissertation process is very creative, although probably not procreative. You're bringing forth something that no one else has created before. It's your baby, in a very real sense.Sarah described both the physical and emotional pain she experienced. The physical pain: carpal tunnel syndrome in her wrist from using the mouse; shoulder and neck pains that left her feeling "like they were made of concrete" and eyestrain. However, aside from periods of intense stress, gaining a few pounds and not staying toned, she thought she had probably escaped the doctoral program in largely the same shape as when she started --"physically, at least. Mentally and emotionally, I'm not so sure." Sarah, who described herself as an extrovert, hadn't been prepared to deal with the isolation or the exhaustion she encountered in the early phase of her program.
The stress levels were enormous. When I was taking four classes a quarter and working 20 hours a week, there were days when I thought I wouldn't make it. I was just exhausted. I remember being frustrated by one of my classes one quarter, and sitting outside my advisor's office crying because I didn't want to stay in that class, even though it was one my committee thought I should take. The professor of the class had the most overwhelming reading list I've ever seen--just the photocopies (two-sided) of materials stood three feet high. Let alone that we were supposed to read about 20 books. All in 10 weeks. I ultimately did stay in the class, although I can't say I remember much of it.Sarah recalled the sense of isolation and despair she experienced during the final stages of the dissertation process.
One of the most enduring memories of the final stages of the dissertation process is the sense of isolation and despair I experienced. In part, this was due to the end of a four-year relationship at that time; part of the reason for the break-up, according to my former partner, was the fact that I just "wasn't there" anymore. It's interesting, he and I had quite a long conversation ... [recently] .... when he saw how focused and wrapped up I was in the dissertation, he felt that there wasn't room for him anymore. He also said he thought I had changed quite a bit from the person I had been when he met me (toward the beginning of the doctoral program) and the person I became as I was trying to finish the program. I acknowledged that I was aware of the changes--mostly brought about by the demands of the program and trying to finish writing while working full-time. He also was angry that I had gone through so many ideas, questions, topics (which he felt were probably more interesting than what I eventually did the dissertation on). It seems that he was angry with my advisors, for making me change topics so much, and angry with me for going along with my advisors. Also, every change, every re-write meant more time added on to the program. I guess he felt I wouldn't finish--that somehow the faculty would find a way to keep me writing forever. (I have to admit, there were times I felt like that, too!)In Sarah's experience, the doctorate was extremely hard on relationships. She saw two basic ways to approach the doctorate.
You could refuse to give up your life and try to 'satisfice.' Which may ultimately mean that you don't finish or you could obsess and be compulsive and just _do it_, like I did, which in effect means you have no life outside of the Ph.D.., or you could refuse to give up your life and try to "satisfice." Which may ultimately mean that you don't finish .... The doctoral process is like hitting yourself in the head with a sledgehammer-it feels so good when you stop. I think I prefer the way I did it--sure, there was intense pain for a few years, but it's over now."Sarah described the feelings she experienced while writing -- her total absorption in the process -- wondering when she was going to finish -- the resulting anger -- and the love/hate relationship she ultimately developed with the dissertation.
And [then there's] the nagging ("when are you going to finish?"). And the feeling like the rest of the world is allowed to have fun and relax on a weekend--and you're in a symbiotic relationship with a computer and a bunch of data. I can't tell you how many Saturdays and Sundays I sat down at the computer at 9 am and suddenly realized that it was dark! I had been working away for 9 or 10 hours and never ate. And after you've dealt with _that_ for awhile, there may come anger. At least, I know that I was simultaneously attracted and repelled by the dissertation process. I couldn't _not_ do it, and I was pissed at the dissertation (as though it were a living thing) at the same time. How dare it take over my life?Nonetheless, Sarah did see herself as having experienced a personal transformation as a result of the doctorate. However, as she described, "it is irrevocably intertwined in my mind with memories of the bleakest point in my life to date ... maybe that's why I have such an aversion to the Ph.D. thing right now."
Much as I hated the fucking thing (and I understand that you have to have at least 10 years between graduation and the time you stop referring to it as a "damned dissertation")--by which I mean much of the doctoral process--I also wouldn't have _not_ done it for the world. I am who I am because (and perhaps also in spite) of it. It gave me new insights into the world and into myself. It introduced me to some fabulous people, many of whom I count among my best friends today. I guess, in time, I will forgive the Ph.D. program/process --and myself-- for everything that happened along the way. But it will take awhile.It was several months after finishing before Sarah was able "to just sort of decompress" and begin writing again. She shared some entries from her journal -- written about four months after defending during a period when she was rediscovering her journal and beginning to write again. In this entry she reflected on the previous 15 years -- on who she was and who she had become.
There are many things I've found and re-read lately that remind me of the person I was. To some extent, that person forms the core of who I am now, while in many other ways that person may no longer exist. In retrospect, I think I liked her better than I may have realized at the time. I need to work to find and reconnect with those parts that I liked best. One part that I have begun to rediscover, although not in all its youthful intensity, is the passion. I think at some point in the past I was probably more committed to various things, people or causes than I am now. I won't say it was a more emotional attachment, although it may be that my commitments were less discerning than they are now. Then again, maybe it was the environment .... there was so much to be committed to, whereas now I don't really see myself as part of something larger. A major portion of my identity was changed by completing the dissertation. That had been a major focus for me for so long, and suddenly it was gone. Ironic--so much of my prior self-identity had been erased when I entered the doctoral program, and it was erased again when I left.Many of the feelings Sarah described as part of her doctoral experience weren't the kind of things that she or members of her cohort talked about either with each other. Several months after finishing her degree, she and Ron were "sitting in a bar, having a beer and trying to figure out whether/how we were going to handle getting involved (we had been "friends" up to that point) and for some reason I just launched into this tirade about the whole Ph.D./dissertation process. I went on for at least two beers about it. And he just nodded and said that he had basically felt the same way but never said anything about it and had never really heard anyone else say it either. Why do we suffer through this in silence?"
In many ways I wonder why the process seems to be made so deliberately difficult. Why must we negotiate these relationships with advisors, jump through the hoops brought about by classes, and--oh, yes--write a 300+ page "paper" to finish the degree? The classes are by far the easiest part, even when you're taking four at a time! Glen brought up an interesting point--actually, considering where he is in his D, he brings it up a lot--why are we requiring a 300-page dissertation when so few academics will ever write a full-length book? Most academics write journal articles. Many are also now working collaboratively in interdisciplinary studies. Why do we insist on this solitary vision quest motif as the only legitimate means for completing a Ph.D.? Is it merely a form of hazing? (Everyone else with a Ph.D. did it this way, by god you will too!) There are days when I still think it's no big deal to have finished (sorry to burst your bubble!). I merely seem to have played the games better or more successfully, or maintained my focus a little more clearly than others, and so I am now finished when they are not. And yet, there are days when I wonder how anyone gets out alive, let alone with any sanity.For Zoe, the post-doc period was also one of deep reflection and intense emotional let-down.
Having survived the process, I can begin to understand why some academics are so bitter. At the same time, just surviving the degree for most people in academe is only the beginning--then they start the tenure grind. And IF you manage to get tenure, why the hell not just sleep late for a couple of years? I've known several faculty members who, by the time they finished the Ph.D., landed a job and jumped through the tenure hoops, were simply too exhausted or too burned out to care anymore. They literally didn't give a shit about teaching or anything else. We seem to be setting ourselves up to perpetuate that kind of attitude, and it will likely get worse as more and more Ph.D's graduate and find fewer and fewer jobs available. The pressure on those who DO land a position will be enormous, especially because they know there are so many jobless Ph.D.'s willing to take their place if they stumble.
Rather than feeling a sense of huge accomplishment over what i have done i feel instead an utter emptiness and loneliness .... If i regret anything of the experience it is the inability to experience utter joy at what i have been able to achieve. the emptiness and loneliness sometimes override all else in my life. At the same time, i keep telling myself that nothing is forever, that a sense of balance and stability will return to my life once i am able to move through the tunnel i now find myself in. There is and has been a lot of good in my life and that good will return. perhaps it is the uncertainty of not knowing how or when it will return that is so very difficult right now .It was the year following her completion that all the issues Zoe had been dealing with during her pursuit of the doctorate moved to the forefront and manifested in the form of a deep depression. Her physical health, characterized by insomnia and severe weight loss, was in serious jeopardy.
In many ways i continue my belief that this is a "pull back" time for me. i need to allow recent events to catch up with me, deal with them as i find the strength to, then figure out what is right for me at this juncture. In many ways i feel that this is one of those times when i must let things "speak" to me and trust in the fact that the path will unfold and divulge itself to me. i am too tired right now to try to create that path.
I do know, however, that even knowing what i now know, i would do it all over again. yes, possibly changing some things along the way, but, the PhD is that worth it to meŻ.... So, with this great feeling of melancholia often with me, i now forge ahead to see where i am going and what my life as a doctor holds. From the land of pea-soup fog, i wish you a very good day.
zoe
this was when i first started experiencing the insomnia, sometimes only two or three hours of sleep a night, some nights with no sleep, and yet at the time i never felt tired because i just kept pushing myself so very hard .... i think part of my depression the past few days stemmed from once again shutting off things .... now i can see i did this at the expense of my own mental and physical health.During the course of her doctorate, Zoe lost nearly 50 pounds and afterwards began losing her ability to maintain her weight. A series of minor illnesses, including urinary infections, bronchitis and strep, followed by three biopsies -- one that came back positive for skin cancer caused Zoe's doctor to look more closely at her chart and to question her about what was going on in her life. Zoe broke down. In the ensuing discussion he suggested anorexia might be a factor, but the anorexia was symptomatic of something much deeper -- something the doctor eventually diagnosed as post-traumatic stress disorder. Zoe began seeing a counsellor who helped her to understand the many catalysts that precipitated her weight loss, not the least of which were the demeaning and hurtful remarks made to her by her, then, ex-lover.
the comparisons he made to me and the other women -- that contributed greatly to the anorexia. i heard constantly how "young" they were; how "strong" they were; how "furtive" and "exciting" his meetings with them were; how he would spend hours just talking with them; how i had evidently not learned much from my hookers. it showed in bed with him.Like her pursuit of the doctorate, Zoe's marriage was dominated by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and isolation.
If i were to use one word to summarize the dominant component of the graduate experience it would be isolation.Zoe's own sense of who she was as an adult had been shaped in significant ways by her early childhood experiences of growing up in poverty. Her sense of who she might want to be was inspired, at least in part, by her undergraduate experiences at age 17, when she discovered her "calling" to social issues. Always highly motivated to be the best she could be, she put her 'all' into her adult roles as wife and mother. And when she decided, at age 29, to return to university, she did so, in part, because in comparison to the life her husband led, she felt inadequate and unfulfilled. Now, with a Ph.D. symbolizing the highest level of academic achievement, Zoe's sense of who she was had grown beyond her roles of wife and mother to include a professional sense of self as both teacher and researcher. She began to see herself as an authority, as someone whose own voice was worthy of being heard, not only by others, but now by herself. She named this part of herself her "intellectual voice." With this voice, Zoe learned to examine and question her understanding of the social context of interpersonal relations. This same questioning extended to her own sense of self -- who she was a wife, a mother and a woman. She described this other part of herself as her "feelings voice." And she began listening more attentively to this new feeling voice, reexamining her past and present goals, her relationship with her husband and the institution of marriage -- she began to reexamine who she had been and who she had become in the process.
Zoe recognized her own contribution to the condition of the marriage. As a young teenager, marriage had served as a refuge from the instability that characterized her childhood and she had found a partner who was stable and predictable and rarely expressed emotions or feelings. That had worked for her at age 17, but she had different needs now and she was uncertain about what the future might hold. She felt very alone, torn between the security and stability the marriage had provided and a longing for the intimacy and companionship she so craved. And the process of pursuing the doctorate contributed substantially to the increased distance between Zoe and her husband. When Zoe spoke with her husband and children about social issues and the "stuff" of sociology, like Sarah's family, they didn't really understand and they often demeaned her voice.
He and i had become so distanced -- both emotionally and physically largely because of his job and the demands of my dissertation -- that i guess i felt i wasn't "desirable" enough for him to "seek me out" as both a partner and a lover. And we, as a family, had developed a very unhealthy pattern of "putting mom down" -- basically because of the chosen profession. At least it became the target. I came to feel so second-rate. That hurt, and i learned to silence my voice.In the summer following her defense Zoe struggled with insomnia and several times came very close to requiring hospitalization because of her continuing weight loss and depression; her health became something she could no longer ignore. She moved out of the home she'd known through her 23 years of marriage, took an apartment and following her doctor's recommendation, began taking the anti-depressant drug, Prozac. Very quickly, it had a positive impact on her sense of well being.how much time is spent in counseling dealing with having had no feelings for so long.
now i CAN think about things. before, if i tried the sadness and the pain (at times almost physical) became so much i just had to shove a lot into the back of my mind. So, i was never able to "take things out of the closet" and really look at them because it just hurt too damned much and i felt either like i was falling off a very steep cliff or sinking further into a dark well where i would never find my way out of -- or have the strength to pull myself out of .... it feels good just to be able to see things clearly, sort them out, touch on what is triggering my responses .... the apartment, the independence, the autonomy, is all rather comforting and enjoyable.Throughout the post-doctoral period Zoe continued to deal with the consequences of the sexual harassment she'd experienced at her workplace. In the spring she laid formal charges of discrimination with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission against the university and met with the faculty grievance committee and university administrators where, on several different occasions, she was forced to relive the experience and justify her accusations. And when the findings were eventually forthcoming in her favour, she was asked, on more than one occasion, to recommend appropriate sanctions.
Yes, i am enjoying the peacefulness of my time and space right now while, at the same time, longing for some times of novelty and excitement once again.
They once again began asking me to give them sanctioning ideas. i told them i would not do that, it was not my job, that was part of the institutional response, and that is why we have persons delegated to do such tasks -- *not* the "victim."
In late September, with news of a pending settlement rumored on campus, Zoe went to her office one morning to find a "very ugly, sinister and threatening message" taped to her door.
earn 30 percent less
produce 20 percent more
put your father and your son out of a job
but don't expect history to remember you.
chan
last of the great warlords
defender of the faith
and
guardian of the doorwayThat fall, the chair of Zoe's department "voluntarily" resigned his position, though he remained at the university.
i see him on a regular basis and he is an intimidating picture when i do -- a very large man with a scarred and pock-marked face who merely glares at me when he sees me now .... According to the president, the ex-chair is also making "thinly veiled" threats of filing a counter-suit against me and the u for "defamation of character." As the president himself says: a) this fits his modus operandi (and, of course, he would only deny it); b) he might think this is a "safe" time for such actions as, by threatening a counter-suit, we would be unwise to openly accuse him of such actions; and c) he has every reason to believe all is over within the department as the president had announced at an officers' meeting a few weeks ago we had reached settlement -- what no one knows, however, is that the settlement has not materialized and i have signed off on nothing! So, i do think it is him.Near the end of October, Zoe received news that the university's settlement check, in the amount of several tens of thousands of dollars, was in the mail, but despite the quick settlement and faculty workshops, Zoe found little about the department climate had changed. The check did represent a form of vindication and validation and, at least for now, she could go to work with a deeper feeling of inner strength and her head held a bit higher.
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