--- breaking the silence ---Toward a Theory of Women's Doctoral Persistence
© Roberta-Anne Kerlin, 1997
Many of the pre-conceptions the women had about the doctorate changed dramatically as a result of their experiences. Often their experiences were less than they'd hoped for -- less stimulating intellectually, more fraught with the politics of interpersonal relationships, more isolating and more exhausting. For Tracy, there was much less independence than she'd imagined, less creativity and generally less interest in teaching. Women's Reflections on the Doctoral Experience
Well, though almost everyone I know in a doctoral program does drink a lot of coffee, they are, of course, not all interesting or interested in and supportive of my individuality and politics. The coursework was certainly more time consuming than I could have imagined as an undergrad but it was stimulating in many new ways. I am still surprised at how politically disinterested many academics are. I do not now think that all academics are intellectuals. And I believe now that doctoral programs in the variety of who you find in them are much more like a slice of the real world than I first believed they would be. It's more about getting out and getting a job and postponing gratification than I originally thought. I am not as independent as I imagined in grad school, I am low paid labor for my dept. (though I get teaching experience-- I should be thankful) and I am submitted to political games I don't completely understand and I am subjected to valuing the faddish proliferation of scholarship for the sake of capital (i.e. getting a job, keeping the job etc.) I thought that getting a doctorate would be more about teaching and less about ego. I came to grad school to be a teacher. I was surprised to find so many people who loathe the idea of teaching and who only teach because feel they have to in order to study. I was surprised at some of the things I found to be different and pleasantly so sometimes. I'm happy to have grown intellectually in ways I could not foresee before coming. I have also been pleased with making mature friendships with people who are very different than myself. But I have been disappointed with the industrial nature of academia which graduate study is an introduction to.For Camila, the best memories of her doctoral experience related to mentoring others, helping others and being an "active militant" in the students' association. Camila identified four factors she thought were critical to her successful completion: "support , ideas, challenge of thinking [and] emotional support." However, she was not without some lingering self-doubt about the experience. She continues to question the very importance of her work and she has yet to find the self-confidence she yearns for.
confidence: i still-havent found- what i m looking for- that is confidence if you wanna know. i still think i do a bunch of balony for a living meaning i still am very un confident as to the quality of my workCamila continues to feel a certain degree of intellectual loneliness in academe and she is uncertain as to whether this might be a reflection on her or on academe itself.
intellectually i feel lonely here. either i think backwards or no one understands a bit of what i really think. there were some high highs related to intellect and challenge: when [a noted scholar] visited here and everybody hated his talk and i loved it.The very nature of Camila's research raised important ethical questions in her own thinking -- questions she continues to reflect on.
ethical issues and the PhD is a topic that came time after time for me in my studies.However, Camila is having some second thoughts about her choice of academe as a profession, influenced, in large part, by the climate in her department.
it translates as: who has the right to do what with whom for what purposes? what is "research" in social sciences? how do i write the dissertation? whose voice is that voice? the teachers? the co-researchers? the advisor's voice? my own? what is my own voice after so many years of working within a team?these are issues that certainly put some stress into my writing and my dissertation work in general. they are really important issues and so far i have managed to discuss them with people involved. i think we dismiss (or tend to) these issues when thinking about doing a dissertation. i think these issues are particularly important for women, though i cannot generalize. i should say: chances that ethical issues of this sort arise in the work that women phd s do may be higher than for men. i may be dead wrong.
there is a lot of BS floating around in PHD programs related to elitism and prestige.Camila described the climate in the department as a "mask of liberalism" and beneath the mask, it was not only extremely conservative, but highly competitive. Camila detests both the hierarchy and the system of rewards and punishments within academe. She would have preferred "a more open-minded and radical educational environment." When I asked Camila about the ways in which her doctoral program had exceeded or fallen short of her expectations, the negative aspects she described were related to this competitive climate in her department.
that stinks.
on the other hand
my type of research and the way my team crafted it
has given me a lot of pleasure. i am happy.
i also think i am not quite sure that academics is my path, although i truly enjoy teaching and researching. but there is a phony-ness of academia in big places where people are seen as Researchers and Professors that kills me.
a lot of pretense a lot of egomania a lot of not good counseling these are the bad sidesI asked Camila, what, if anything, might have made the doctoral experience more meaningful for her. She wrote that she would have liked to experience greater diversity in her program, to have been exposed to more radical thinkers and she would have appreciated "more free will and less up tightness about not being rewarded by the [university] system."
When Camila reflected on what she knew now that she wished she'd known, or had been told, before beginning her program, she thought she'd appropriately anticipated the degree to which she would have to adapt to both the language and cultural aspects of living in the U. S., but it was understanding and dealing with ideological differences that "killed" her. As to the things Camila might have done differently, she would have chosen a different advisor; she might well have chosen to study at a different institution -- one of two universities where she had been offered a "better deal" -- she would have changed professors, she would have gone away for a year and taken longer to finish. In summarizing what she had gained from the experience, she wrote,
i learned a new trade all togetherWhen Maggie reflected on her doctoral experience she recognized her own accomplishments, but her advisor's betrayal has left her feeling less fulfilled and less committed to a career in academe than she originally wished.
i learned to live in an upside down world
in the other hemisphere and that is not trivial
i learned to learn and i love it.
My doctoral experience has not exceeded my expectations. When I entered the program, I had none. When I felt I had finally accomplished 'a doctoral level', the rug was pulled out from under me. I don't want to be bitter about my experience, I just wish I felt more fulfilled by it. I think now I question alternative uses to my degree besides the academic route. Perhaps I am in the middle of re-evaluating my direction and my end goal. I will finish the degree but where it will lead me I don't know.Asked what advice she might give to others contemplating pursuit of the doctorate, Maggie clung to her belief that in the long run, justice would prevail.I would have to say that my view of the degree process I underwent is fairly positive. I felt for the most part that my courses, comps, and orals were well focused on my interests and I did feel a sense of accomplishment to that end. The degree process stretched me and gave me great insight into myself. But the final phase, writing the dissertation has given me more cause for reflection and questioning. Perhaps, that is what this phase if for. Unfortunately, it is here that I question what the whole process means to me and I am afraid that it means nothing. In this phase I am alone. I am trying to balance and juggle a lot yet I am alone in this 'final act.' (and nobody gets it) What is this the trial by fire? The epitome of the degree process? Can it not be in this very final phase that even the strongest of hearts just grow weary? Could all that effort be for nothing? I want this very badly, but I fear my endurance is waning ... I seriously question the value of a PhD now ... Perhaps it has expanded me and matured me. Perhaps it has shown me what I don't want out of life.
I guess I would encourage them to finish and believe that in the end, justice will prevail. I encourage people now to finish as soon as possible. The prolonging only makes it harder to get on with life.And knowing what she does now, it is likely that Maggie would have made different choices along her path.
I believe I would have committed myself early on. Ultimately, I wish I would have gone into the program a little more directed to finish. The longer it takes, the more unrealistic it becomes. I wish I would have known myself better. If I would have sacrificed stability and financial security a little bit more and got a Teaching Assistant, would I have been happier? Would that have made a difference? Would I be done by now? Would I have believed in myself sooner? These questions haunt me now. There is no way to really know how the faculty will treat you. Unfortunately, that only comes from experience (painful as it is).Of all the outcomes related to her doctoral experience, perhaps the most unanticipated outcome is Maggie's own sense of her 'self' as unfinished.
When I began my studies, I had no great expectations. I never knew from semester to semester where I was going. Once I committed myself to it, I had no idea the personal sacrifice would be so great ... [and] it was imperative to have closure.Like the other women, Zoe experienced her pursuit of the doctorate as transformational; however, it is a transformation that neither began on admission, nor ended with convocation.I am more confident in many ways and more insecure in others. I have a sense of maturity that the process has refined. I sense I will be effective in whatever direction I take. This experience has led me through much information and new knowledge about myself and about others. I found I could make connections. I could create and articulate ideas. I could be unique and contribute new perspectives. I can look at the world differently and I can integrate multiple perspectives to form a cogent whole. I can have friends who respect my ideas and my work. I can be admired. I can do all these things. I have learned these things. Now, I need to learn how to go on. I need to reflect as to the real meaning of it all. I need to salvage some respect, some crumb of self-esteem. I need to sort through all these emotions and find rest. Unfortunately, I am not sure I will. I went to a special class tonight and the instructor mentioned my idea with my advisor's name to it. This instructor is from a reputable university, a visiting professor. Yes, the ideas are wonderful but they are power brokers. If anything, this experience has taught me that no degree is going to give me self-esteem. It will help me discriminate and hopefully make [only] honest mistakes. It will hopefully make me a better person, a more compassionate one, and a better teacher. Yes I have changed. And the dissertation will refine me even more. I know the experiences I have with the research project will be most rewarding. Perhaps it will be a healing experience. I hope so ... I had no idea that I would feel so trapped for without finishing, I will feel unfinished.
Of course, I do believe that my current state now, which is definitely rooted in struggle, has a lot to do with how I feel about my voice. I sense sometimes my life is like an ellipses, it just shows something happened but it is not necessary to show the whole picture. Perhaps that is what I am struggling with now, the ambiguity of 'where I am' and 'where I am going.' (Which is up in the air) I believe writing about the experience has helped me put into context some valuable facts. I am capable of accomplishing quality and scholarly work. I have managed to maintain my integrity and I am intelligent. Someone once told me that a mutual friend of mine, whom I greatly admire, was organized yes, but I was intelligent. Somehow that was important to me. Perhaps I can believe it now. The completion of the degree means little to me. It meant more at another time. But perhaps the most important realization has been an acceptance of worth based upon an astounding accomplishment and the knowledge that I have a great deal more to offer. As I shape my priorities and my goals, which are much different now, I know I will not have regretted the doctoral experience. Writing about the experience has given me the permission to reflect, vent, and recognize that I have been shaped and changed.
I now see, after writing about the experience, that i entered the doctoral program very NAIVELY. i did not foresee at all how "important" it would be to my life and how "defining" it would be in the months and years to come. I entered it thinking it was just another endeavor-- something i would do and then life would go on. But, i now see that the experience and the person that came out at the other end of the tunnel have changed things dramatically-- for i became a person that is so defined by who she became (i.e. the professional) that she is unwilling to compromise that person for the sake of allowing life to "go on." I guess the writing allowed me to do a lot of painful sorting ... i think it is *very* important at this point in time to comment that i see the whole thing as very interactive. My graduate experience, without a doubt, impacted upon my family life. But, my family life also impacted upon my graduate experience .... graduate education has been demanding on all of us and there have been many changes in and for me that have come from the growth experience of obtaining my PhD .... I also think the time with and by myself may be just what i need as i try to discover and figure out who this new person is.A strong sense of disillusionment with both her doctoral experience and her marital relationship was central to Zoe's personal transformation.
... nor do i know exactly where my marriage is going. I "think" i know-- as it will be very, very hard to bridge the chasm that now exists between us, and i have confronted the ultimate disillusionment this time.The transformation, deeply rooted in her upbringing, had begun many years earlier. Her self-image as a high- and sometimes over- achiever, stemmed from her own feelings of inadequacy -- from feeling like she was never quite good enough -- and could never quite measured up to her parents' expectations. Zoe's long standing self-image as a "do gooder," her strong sense of justice and her interest in social issues were grounded in the poverty of her early childhood experiences and framed by the role model provided by her parents, particularly her father.
i'm not sure where my interest in social issues came from, but i greatly suspect it was from our own poverty situation, listening to my father voicing the disappointments in society that come from such a status, and watching him in action with regard to helping others even though we, ourselves, could have often used some help .... i have always been what one would call a "do gooder"... in our small community there was always an emphasis on "doing for others." it showed up in the churches and in the schools -- many of the organizations one joined throughout the school years were centered around the "doing for others" so maybe this had a bigger impact than i ever realized.Zoe's personal transformation was also inspired by her first experiences at university at the young age of 17. Her experiences there, not only stimulated her intellectual curiosity, but the relationships she had with some of the professors, in particular Dr. Rowell in Introductory Psychology, had strengthened her self-confidence.
Throughout our correspondence, Zoe painted a picture of the person she is inside -- a picture of how she sees herself. It is the picture of a person who is caring and compassionate; a person who in her center core, is an optimist; a person with a sense of humour who isn't so serious that she can't take a moment to laugh at herself and her own condition. These were the parts of her 'self' that endured throughout her transformation.
... Am now off to see the shrink to find out if i'm still crazy or not:) ... Anyway, as you can see my sardonic and sarcastic nature are once again restoring themselves.And despite the stress of her doctorate and the difficulties with her family and work relationships, Zoe likes who she is.... My experience has been that the years are usually *more* than we hope and with the more comes a hell of a lot of growth and learning.
what i feel so very strong with right now is that, even with all the shit that entered my life during the past year, i *do* still have a deeply caring and compassionate inner being that lies at the heart of who i am. i *do* want only goodness to come to my friends. i *do* have a naive and simplistic way of looking at how relationships should play themselves out and because of that i *do* present only the "me" that is so very straight forward and simplistic in my relationships and, beyond recognizing and coming to terms with who and what i am I LIKE THE ME THAT HAS BEEN ME FOR SO VERY LONG AND THAT, IN SPITE OF ALL I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN THE LAST YEAR OF MY LIFE, I AM OH SO VERY HAPPY TO HAVE THAT AS MY CENTRAL BEING AND TO KNOW IT IS STILL WITH ME!!!!!Zoe reflected on the transformational nature of her doctoral experience which, for her, represented the highest possible achievement.
... then i go for the highest level possible to "prove" i've really done something! So, the PhD was probably in my mind all along...She was drawn to her dissertation research in large degree because she identified with the unconventional. Her choice of research topic provided an outlet for the unconventional self that she'd managed to hold at bay through 23 years of a very traditional marriage.
Not only did this [research] entail many hours away from the family, it also entailed entry into a very unconventional social milieu; one that has been very difficult for me to remove myself from and return to conventional life as i had always known it ... It has been quite an experience that changed my life in many ways. A lot happened during this time and i recognize that a lot of the happenings are the result of the different lifestyle i was forced to live as i gathered the life stories of the prostitutes ...As Zoe began to re-prioritize her needs, she recognized how central her emotional and intellectual needs were to her sense of well-being and to her identity.
i have also come to realize there is more to a happy life than the security of the financial position and the material goods that an income can buy .... i have now moved to a place where i need more-- passion, excitement, emotion .... oh, how i want to continue adding to that goodness and allowing the adventurous me to take flight once again .... My, my, my. how things changed over the six years of graduate school as i am now contending with this very "traditional" self who is currently duking it out with a more "modern" self that wants to BE a professional-- on her terms and no one else's!Although Zoe is still on anti-depressant medication and seeing a counsellor, she remains hopeful about the future, but when she thinks about the last year of her doctorate and about her doctoral experiences she is saddened.
had i been anything other than one who tenaciously sticks to the goals i set for myself (many just call me downright stubborn!), it would have been very easy, as I encountered numerous obstacles and different crossroads, to leave academe and return to my "previous life" as i call it.After Zoe's graduation, her daughter gave her a card that said:i feel as if the "me" was eroded rather than allowed to emerge in all it could have been .... Sadly, it is only now that i am regaining any trust in people and feeling a sense of accomplishment about the doctorate. not the process, but having survived and reached a point where i have earned the right to be called "doctor."
a young woman bought a balloon one day, and she took it to the park where no obstructions could stop its flight. she watched as she released it-- and it soared higher than she had ever imagined it could.And Zoe wrote:
... with a small tear in my eye as i think about the past and the influences on me -- and as i think about the future and realize that it is indeed time to soar -- and to do that means challenging the status quo and allowing myself the right to forge my own path on my own terms with no limitations and no feelings that i have been anyone's show piece. there is only one kind of peace i want in my life and it is the peace that comes from knowing all i can be and living my life with that quest in mind.Denise didn't experience the same kind of depression as Sarah and Zoe had after graduation, but she did feel an enormous sense of relief. After her graduate school experience, Denise appreciated both the increased respect and the better treatment she received and she felt relieved not to be further burdened with "the tenure grind."
At this point I feel like emphasizing how wonderful it is to be on the other side of the dissertation. Even before I finished the dissertation I realized that having the respect offered a person in a professional position was worth the struggles of grad school. Well, maybe not worth them, but it sure feels great to be treated better. (I want us to work on treating students better all 'round, but until then--) But then finishing lifted a burden of such great weight it's hard to imagine I had carried it for so long. For me, there's been relief in becoming Dr. Denise. Enormous relief .... It was a long and often painful journey through grad school. I'm glad to be out! But I don't regret my choice. I like being teased about being a doctor. I'd like to get some publishing done. I'd like to do this, do that. But I don't have the pressure to. It would be different if I were in a tenure track position .... Compared to that nightmare, I feel lucky.Helen's view of the doctorate as an experiential process has changed little as a result of her experiences. She has come to see the process as a way to make a political statement and among the many other things it represents for her, it means "good talk, hard work, [and] friendships" and despite her continuing ambivalence about wanting the degree or becoming an academic, she is committed to finishing.
What now pushes me to complete the degree is the ethical responsibility not to turn my back on the tremendous commitment to me that I felt / received from the faculty I worked with while I was there. I'm not sure, even yet, that I "want" the degree ...Although Helen still doesn't have any long term plans about what she will do when she finishes the degree, she has had some long term thoughts about the future.
Perhaps my husband and I will hunt for a place, after the kids are on their own more or less, where we can both teach part-time. Perhaps I'll find a great job somewhere remote from [here] and become a 'summer wife' -- though this latter is a fairly recent thought, and not too serious. I've mostly, however, spent my life following my husband and making something of what I find where I land -- it hasn't been disagreeable, and even quite rewarding at times, but it doesn't lead to my formulation of long-term plans based on what *I'm* doing.Financing the doctorate was a significant concern for all the women except Helen and she was the first to recognize that her conception of the degree as an experiential process was facilitated by the privileged position afforded her by her family's financial and emotional stability. In fact, there were times she felt awkward among her colleagues because of her financially comfortable position.
I'd suggest dinner out, sometimes, or splurge on books, forgetting that the people I was with didn't have the money, or might not. I would occasionally buy a beer for someone, but too often it seemed awkward.However, the privileged position that enabled Helen to pursue the degree on her own terms in the first place, also bore post-degree consequences that many of her single colleagues didn't have to contend with.
[The] down side means that I'm not really too free to take a job either. We've talked about whether we'd move for a job I might be offered, but my husband is close enough to retirement that financial things intrude -- ugh!Three of the women, Helen, Denise and Tracy, received teaching assistantships during their doctoral studies and Sarah and Camila, received research assistantships. Zoe held a combination of teaching and research assistantships. Maggie, who worked in the university library throughout her program, did not receive any assistantship during her program.
Helen also held a teaching assistantship during her residency in which she taught two sections of first year composition on top of a full course load. At home, Helen cooked and did laundry, but her husband and son looked after other family responsibilities.
Tracy hadn't given much thought to finances before entering graduate school, but after six years of "having trouble making ends meet" she found the prolonged poverty beginning to 'wear' on her.
One gets tired of living like this.
Tracy described what I call the 'T. A. ghetto.' On the one hand she is thankful for the experiences she's had in her role as a teaching assistant, but she also sees herself as "low paid labor" for her department. She is paid $1,100 a month to teach two undergraduate courses. To maintain her teaching assistantship she must also register for 9 dissertation hours "which ironically cost more than the hours for courses with a paid instructor." Unlike some other institutions, Tracy does not receive a tuition waiver and teaching only one course per semester would not pay enough to cover her tuition. Tracy's monthly expenses for accommodation, tuition fees and a computer rental total $798, leaving her a grand total of $302 per month to pay her bills and other expenses for clothing, food and entertainment.
Needless to say I don't go wild on entertainment. At least most of my friends are in the same boat as I am. Many universities have tuition waivers for grad students but our university claims that they would have to lower our pay if they were to give us tuition waivers. I know some friends who have tuition waivers at other universities and they don't get paid very much. But they also don't teach as much as we do in my dept. Almost all of the lower division foreign languages courses are taught by grad students.The issue of financial support for graduate students came up in discussions with the graduate student union (GSU) in Tracy's department when students pointed out to faculty that limiting teaching appointments to three years made it next to impossible for doctoral students to make progress toward a dissertation in addition to meeting course and exam requirements. From the faculty's perspective, "their reasoning for limiting the time of funding was so that they could bring in new blood." For Tracy, the lack of financial support seemed to symbolize the general lack of support for students in the department.
The faculty at my university have been confused and incredulous of our complaints about not being supported financially and/or intellectually/emotionally (morally?).At Denise's institution having a teaching assistant was a rarity. With more graduate than undergraduate students, her department was top-heavy and that meant little money for graduate assistantships of any kind. Grad students had to "fight" to get even a single class with a half-time teaching assistantship once a year. Denise's strategy for dealing with this was to look beyond the department for employment. After her first year in the program she applied for teaching assistantships in several other campus departments in which she was qualified to teach. She received little consideration from those departments but, ultimately, she did get a position running a writing lab for the tutoring center.
When Zoe joined her department as a doctoral student she was given a teaching assistantship and assigned to "a very successful and up-and-coming assistant professor."
she was sophisticated, savvy, and very, very professional; very much the modern woman, married to a law professor who lived several hours away and taught at another major university.This professor became Zoe's "first socializing agent into the world of academia and sociology as a profession." Typically, Zoe assisted her with introductory courses that had between 150 and 325 students per class. Throughout her entire doctoral program, Zoe worked with this same professor, either as a research or teaching assistant. As time went on, this professor claimed to have a "deep and intimate" friendship with Zoe, but Zoe never felt the same toward her. Rather, Zoe experienced her as a "very cold person," someone with whom she could never feel "intimate." At the same time, she was very supportive of Zoe.
She seemed to think i had a lot to offer academia and the profession-- something i never did come to see in myself the entire time in graduate school.Repeatedly, she told Zoe she could look forward to publications from their work together. However, it quickly became apparent to Zoe that such outcomes would be unlikely unless she were willing to stay there until she "was a *very* old lady." Zoe was further disillusioned to find that the "hands on" research assistantship promised by the university was little more than the opportunity to do a lot of xeroxing, making numerous library runs and returning boxes of books to the university library.
Being a research assistant for her offered little academic and intellectual growth--instead, it offered a lot of "scut" work. The faculty kept talking about working with faculty to get started on the almighty pubs and research that would promote your career after graduation and i tried that, but my faculty mentors had me doing things like xeroxing and running errands while my younger colleagues were actively researching and writing papers -- good papers that were drawing attention from people. And, when i did do some "minor" work the professor always "redid" it without any acknowledgement that what i had done had any worth. he/she just used what i had done, reshaped it to fit the mold he/she wanted it to fit and that was that. I did a lot of scut work in grad school that never amounted to a learning experience, but the profs sure benefited from it!The "scut work," as Zoe described it, included personal tasks as well. Following a divorce, Zoe's supervisor, nicknamed the "dragon lady" by students because she was "very driving and very tough on her assistants," became involved with another faculty member in the department. When Zoe took a class with the dragon lady's new partner, every evening at the end of the seminar, he would ask Zoe to drive him home, rationalizing to her that she was "commuting anyway."
it seemed to make little difference that their home was 15 minutes in the opposite direction from where i needed to go to begin the hour commute home at the end of the day.And although these requests for rides from her supervisor's partner extended beyond what would be considered normal duties of a research assistant, Zoe was reluctant to raise the ire of her supervisor by complaining.
Both Sarah and Camila held research assistantships in their departments. Sarah interviewed for a graduate assistantship on the same day she interviewed for admission to her program. She worked between 20 and 25 hours a week at the assistantship, even though 20 was the maximum number of hours permitted. In Sarah's program some students also received fellowships and the inequities this created were sometimes a strain on collegial relations. Sarah described the tension and resentment she felt toward another female member of her cohort who received four fellowships and only one assistantship during her program.
She would bitch constantly about how hard she was working, etc. I finally told her to shut up because she at least had four years in which her _only_ job was to study and write. She still isn't done and probably won't be until at least a year or 18 months after I finished (I told you god had a sense of humor!!).Coping with the anxiety of not having enough money to meet her basic expenses was a constant challenge for Sarah and a major factor that contributed to the stress she experienced during her doctorate. With the loss of her second marriage, she also lost her home and her pursuit of the degree depleted all her savings.
Camila was awarded a Fulbright scholarship that gave her $14,000 for her first year of study and $10,500 in the second year. She was also given $1,500 toward the purchase of a computer and, in addition, had her expenses paid for two professional development conferences. However, as a foreign student, Camila's tuition costs totalled $13,000 annually. This left her little money to live on and beginning in her second quarters, she worked part-time every year just to make ends meet. Over the four years of her graduate program she held research assistantships which she described as "all nice and fairly paid," and numerous mini-grants from the university, but like Sarah, Camila "had to be constantly paying attention to money resources ... this was always stressful."
Financial constraints have shaped Maggie's educational experiences throughout her academic career. In her undergraduate years finances influenced her decisions about both the degree she would pursue and her choice of institution. In her doctoral program, Maggie did not receive any form of assistantship. She has worked at the university library throughout her studies and although the cost of her doctoral degree has been offset somewhat by virtue of the staff benefits she receives, these benefits could be realized only at the cost of working full-time. When Maggie began her program her husband was also pursuing his undergraduate degree and for quite some time her salary from the library was their only source of income. Inadequate financial resources have also hindered Maggie's ability to afford the extra classes that would have helped her to improve her performance techniques.
To conduct the research necessary to complete her dissertation, Maggie will require additional financial resources in the range of $3,000. Short of going into debt, she doesn't know how she will be able to afford these expenses. Her advisor has all but told Maggie that she will need to "really fork out the bucks" for her study.
I don't know what she thinks I live on, but it sure isn't big bucks.The cost, in either time or dollars, to transcribe the audio tapes from her data collection was also an issue for Maggie.
I cannot afford to pay anyone to do it so I know I will have my work cut out for me. I don't even have that one interview from my first trip done and it has been a year. So, I have many fears about it ... I am concerned about the time this will require and how I will manage it financially ... Unfortunately, as I enter into the new phase of the dissertation, the money is just the ticket for holding me back ... I don't know how I will be able to afford to do the research. After all this, now I am in the dilemma of being poor.Like Maggie, Denise was concerned about transcription costs -- it was a task she found physically gruelling; however, unlike Maggie, Denise's partner was able to help her with some of the transcriptions.
I still have tapes to transcribe from nearly a year ago. It takes so much time and is hard on my body. My back aches from using the machine. But I just don't believe I can afford to have it done. My partner is helping me, which is an enormous gift.Despite the hardship of working full-time while pursuing her doctorate, Maggie felt fortunate to find a position that both offset her tuition costs through staff benefits and afforded her the flexibility to care for her daughter when she's ill. The less obvious cost of these benefits has been at the expense of Maggie's sense of belonging in the department. Maggie's colleagues made efforts to include her it a lot of their activities and although she feels herself fortunate to have been disassociated from most of the departmental politics over the years, Maggie sees herself "as a shadow in the department, not fully visible" and she regrets not being able to establish better rapport with her classmates who were full-time students.
... there were many fine people ... many of whom I have developed good relationships with. People knew they could talk to me about anything and that I would help in any way I could. Of course it was not without its disappointments, missing those happy hours, and often not being clued into parties etc. I just wasn't in the same circuit.Of the four women who completed their degrees, Sarah, Denise and Zoe worked full-time as they wrote the final chapters of their dissertations. For Sarah and Zoe this was a particularly stressful period. Sarah experienced what she called "a crisis of confidence" -- an intense sense of self-doubt, exacerbated by feelings of worthlessness when the relationship with her partner ended, -- a period when she wondered if she could ever "measure up" in the eyes of the scholars who were her mentors. This self-doubt accompanied Sarah throughout her program -- right up to the final defense. Zoe also pushed herself through those last months working full-time and writing -- pushed to the point of complete physical and emotional exhaustion.
For most of the women, prolonged difficulty in making ends meet and the sense of insecurity resulting from having no savings to fall back on were central concerns. They attributed much of the stress they experienced to the low value their institutions placed on the labour and contributions of graduate students. This was reflected in the way departments and/or faculty handled student assistantships. Factors that diminished students' sense of integration in the department and their identities as emerging scholars included:
As well, the differential financial status among students -- due either to qualitatively different awards (fellowships versus assistantships) or differences in women's abilities to finance their degrees -- contributed to awkward or strained collegial relations when women saw themselves or their peers as financially privileged or disadvantaged. And in Maggie's case, the unanticipated cost associated with completing dissertation research was a factor that also slowed her progress, but even without these research costs Maggie and her husband, who was just beginning his career, struggled to make ends meet. This made Maggie's full-time job a necessity, not an option.
- inadequate number of assistantships which left students seeking employment outside the department;
- the low wages paid for assistantships;
- assistantship responsibilities that reflected 'scut' work and contributed more to supervisor's needs than to students' scholarly development;
- assistantship responsibilities that take advantage of the power differential between students and supervisors and transgress into personal domains.
To Maggie, working full-time and being a mother to her daughter while pursuing her doctorate has felt like living in "two different worlds" without any real sense of belonging in either one. This has had a significant influence on her emerging identity as a scholar and often has left her feeling lonely and overwhelmed.
I took a class a semester and was not a teaching assistant ... like my colleagues who had entered the program around the same time ... Therefore, I never really developed a network with my classmates ... I remember wanting to feel more included ... I was not available for a great deal of the day to day stuff that is important in establishing yourself in the department ... I was never subsumed by the academic program and I had one foot in the working world of paraprofessionalism. I never felt I belonged in either. So my identity was always split ... Neither my job or my course work in those early days were very socially accommodating. I often felt alone ...And although Maggie was the first to admit that some faculty were flexible and accommodating of her circumstances on a number of different occasions, in general, she found little recognition in the academy for the particular demands facing women who, in addition to their scholarly pursuits, must juggle parenthood and employment.
The real world deals with sick children and financial hardship. Few professors seem to have much empathy to this end.Nonetheless, Maggie held only herself accountable for the circumstances in which she found herself.
Helen and Zoe also had children, but all were much older than Maggie's preschooler. Both women were devoted mothers who nurtured their children's development and were involved in their children's lives in significant ways. Helen volunteered at a parent-run school that her two boys attended and Zoe was actively involved in supporting her children's schooling and extra-curricular interests. Both Maggie and Zoe felt they carried most of the child-rearing responsibilities and frequently they felt like single parents. Zoe, in particular, often experienced a great deal of guilt -- as if she was neglecting her children by pursuing her own academic interests. Even her choice of institution was made so as not to disrupt her children's lives. With the advantage of hindsight, she reflected on her original decision not to uproot her children.
They've always been pretty damned secure, high achieving kids and they could have handled anything! In fact, perhaps i did them a disservice through their lives by not introducing more changes so change could be viewed as exciting rather than threatening.Maggie and Zoe attributed much of the stress and uncertainty they experienced during the doctorate to the difficulties they experienced balancing multiple role responsibilities. All the women except Helen and Zoe attributed much of their stress to financial considerations. Helen was the only woman whose doctoral experience was not unduly influenced by either of these factors.
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