EPILOGUE
From: "Zoe" Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 08:05:46 -0500 (EST)Greetings, dear friend. It was so very nice to hear of your latest news--the d, the travels, the job hunt, and the new puppy. We are both so busy we seldom really talk anymore, but it is always nice to know there is a true friend and soulmate out there; and you are both of those. As to the reflections:
It has now been two and one half years since I successfully defended my doctoral dissertation. And it has been several months since I have even been asked to reflect, again, upon the experience. Now, as I sit in front of my computer thinking about the experience, I find that it almost feels as if I am replaying a movie; I am watching someone else's experiences and attempting to "touch upon" someone else's feelings. It all seems so very long ago-- perhaps a lifetime ago.
In the rare times I do return to the whole experience I always find myself asking one questions: If I had it to do over again, would I? And, without a doubt, the answer is "yes." But, I would hope to go into it much wiser than I did before; I would hope to have more insight into the trials I would encounter, the potentially damaging confrontations that awaited me, and the toll it would all, eventually, take on my self-esteem. In a word, I would hope to be less naive than I was before.
Did I learn from the experience. Yes. But, the question becomes-- exactly what did I learn? Yes, I learned the "stuff" of my discipline. But, more than that, I learned how cruel people can be to one another as each attempts to massage his or her own professional ego-- often times at the expense of another. I learned along the way what I DON'T want to be as a teacher and as a social scientist. I don't want to exploit others for my own achievements; I don't want to demean and denigrate in the classroom; I don't want to put my professional life so high on the totem pole of priorities of life that I lose sight of my personal life or the people I consider important. There is so much more to learn in graduate school than what I learned originally. There is, and at all times should be, the "lessons of humanity" to be learned along the way. For, regardless of our chosen disciplines, we will conduct ourselves, both personally and professionally, within this arena of humanity for our lifetimes. All too often graduate programs not only forget to teach the lessons of humanity, they actually teach something almost antithetical to the very notion of "humanity." For me, it will be enough to know I have taken the lessons and conducted myself differently than most of my teachers and mentors. For me, it will be enough to know I have ENCOURAGED, rather than discouraged those I have taught and mentored. For me, it will be enough to know I have lived my professional and personal lives according to MY standards, with integrity and dignity. It has taken me the past two and one half years to integrate the "lessons of graduate school" with the person that has always been "me."
From: "Camila"
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 08:50:55 -0800 (PST)my doctoral experience has been a very rewarding yet difficult journey. it has been full of challenges and --because of my condition as alien in the usa-- my post-doctoral experience continues to be. many times i wonder why i pursued my degree; after all, things have not changed significantly for me in terms of my access to an established position. moreover, the kind of work i seem to be interested in doing seems to be at odds with academia in so many fundamental ways that it strikes me as amazing that i am still "in it". i have developed new ways of looking at research and at the relationship/ contact with the people with whom i work that would not have been possible had not i gotten the degree, i think; yet, i have found that the ways i want to really work are not well suited for academia. this bind has been the one that permeated my doctoral experience and it is the one that has fully developed into my post-doctoral appointment.
as you may remember, i like to draw. this year i got a grant to do work with the local schools. the research is focusing on how kids bring their native resources to school, on the one hand, and on the other hand, on how kids mentor other kids across school dimensions-levels (elementary thru college). so our project is both instructional (we teach or model something, id est mentorship or outreach) , and research-based (we study the effects of this mentorship model, and we study the ways in which kids who are not your typical anglo european american kid navigate school). the reason why i started telling you this story by saying "remember i like to draw" is because i have found that presenting my art to the students brings immediate zones of comfort to discuss life. it is amazing how much we can do with a simple "drawing" in regards to understanding where kids are at. i showed my drawings to 8 graders for example and said i was interested in writing stories for them to have a book for the class (illustrations and stories). would they please tell me what kinds of stories do they like? or would they like me to write? the information i got from this exercise (meant as the researcher giving-contributing something to the kids) was amazing: their challenges, ideas, and questions for life opened up like click**this! so i questioned again and deeply the methods we use to "do research". this information, coupled with a lot of observation i do, taping conversations and videotaping, has opened a new understanding for me: kids "do" a lot of stuff in school, even if we, adults, think about it in very limited ways; kids "bring" a lot to school, even if we, adults, are so focused on certain aspects (and thus repress other aspects) that we can not see what is it that they bring. for example, one of the students asked me whether he could help me with the book of stories and he did drawings and wrote some sentences re: what he knows about gangs. it was pretty amazing again; all these things are floating around them and us and we do not have a way of interpreting or seeing them IN RELATIONSHIP to school. i mean, how, in what ways, are these thoughts, challenges, cultural knowledges, etc. influencing a kid's everyday life experience minute by minute at school? i dont mean the typical "they come from this background, therefore they [whatever]"; i mean: "given that their ways of knowing are developing minute by minute in an ever changing constellation that incorporates what they bring and what they are introduced to in school, constantly, how does learning occur in school? what are they learning? how?"
i know it sounds confusing b/c reality is complex and confusing. there is not a method yet that i have found to be good in explaining or interpreting what i am finding, which is really amazing. in two ways: 1. i would have never thought about certain things hadnt i tried intuitively specific ways of relating to the kids; 2. i can not really find a way to interpret what i see ---yet--- and i think (from the reactions i have seen so far) that people in academia tend to think that what i say is nonsense and that i must concentrate on formulating my question of study, my methods and my anal results.
camila
From: "Tracy"
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 11:59:37 -0600 (CST)Dear Bobbi,
The thing that comes immediately to mind as I bring this rather long project to a close is how emotionally strenuous this has been. I wrote a lot in my previous reflections on academia about how destructive this process can be to relationships. I've had to struggle this last year with figuring our my own priorities, professional and personal. I have often felt like this profession I've chosen (even before it was an issue for me) won't permit a balance of the two, especially for where women are concerned.
I have been prone to depression and very emotionally confused during the last stages of my writing. It seems difficult for me to get in touch with any feelings other than the strong desire to finish my diss. and get away from academia for a period of time.
I will be graduating this May. I have set my defense up for April 1st. But I am planning to stay where I live now to take some time to reflect on my personal goals. I seem to have lost sight of them in the midst of all this intense work. I no longer know what in my life is most important to me outside of finishing the dissertation. I feel that stepping away from all of this to look back at it from a different perspective will help me figure out where to go from here.
I want to get back in touch with the part of myself that used to feel empowered by the many possibilities that the world has to offer me. I want to be able to express my whole self again. I want to feel whole again. So for the next year I will be searching for these things.
Here's a poem that I wrote right after I finished my comps 3 years ago.
Courting Academia, or Lullaby for an ABD
It has been as buying a new skirt, a caged bird's chatter, a courting boy with flowers in hand approaching the door of the princess. Good heavens the monster that opened it! Have I marched into a can of worms? The grizzly giant has ushered me in and expects I will make a good mate for his daughter. So I look around at papered walls in a family room complete with barometer, search the shelves for familiar titles and am at pains to recall the image of the beauty I await. I would she descended the staircase with the grace of a gliding waltz and flashing the smile of a thousand suns reached out to me as her partner. But what I know is what I dread. That she is guarded by this bear-like Caesar, this patriarch whose territorial nature quells any embellishment of my gentle fantasy. So that all I may hope for is to leave this solemn house, bear my soul to the lady with wit and candor, and pray for her granting me a warm and kindly kiss good-night.Now, that I'm so close to getting the "kiss" I was thinking of in this poem.
I can't wait to get back in touch with my dreams.Tracy
From: Denise
Sun, 16 Feb 1997 19:01:03Wow! I just read the other "recaps" and I have to say, I feel incredibly lucky. Somehow I've escaped. At least that's how I feel. Maybe it's just that I'm not focused on looking back at the actual process of getting my PhD. But that's where I am, so let me tell you a little about it...
I've been thinking lately about writing a piece on how "power" alters on the other side of the dissertation. I'm not in a "faculty" position, which may have something to do with it, but I have a sense that I have respect. I'm no longer being "watched." I'm no longer carrying the weight of a mountain on my shoulders. My colleagues, faculty and administrators alike, ask my opinion, listen when I speak, want me on committees. My voice matters.
As a writing center director I always say I work with the best and the brightest. The students who tutor in our program are wonderful people. I enjoy helping them as they struggle with thoughtless teachers wielding power over their grades and seemingly their lives. I take seriously the job of counseling them about graduate schools and telling them some of the "real" story without sugar coating and without calling it hopeless. I write them individualized letters of recommendation. And I try to take time to just sit and listen to them, to hear their voices.
I regularly deal with others who are struggling with the academic bureaucracies, hierarchies and cruelties. I know these evils well. But I find that I am one of the people that makes up the place we call academe. I participate in the structure of it and I challenge the system to change as I voice my concern for these others. Sometimes it actually makes a difference.
Denise
From: Denise
Tue, 18 Feb 1997 11:18:58 -0500Subject: maybe I'm changing my mind
Since my post over the weekend things have erupted at school. What I thought was safe water has become a cesspool of danger. Voicing my opinion to a group on Friday has resulted in being chastised by the powers that be. So much for academic freedom. So much for discussion among peers.
Guess the evil that is done to grad students doesn't stop there. I was temporarily deranged. Please excuse my outburst of hopefulness.
Denise
From Helen
Thu, 20 Feb 1997 15:21:10Bobbi, well, a few moments to think about how I might, in even several paragraphs, reflect on my experience at this stage. More difficult than my earlier talk about it.
The practical: I have shared two lengthy sections (one committee member: you're _not_ doing chapters, I hope) with my committee and all of us together sat around a meal and chatted about each one. I hope to give them within the next week a plan for the rest of it -- no small matter considering I had no idea when it began either how long it would be or what it would include. That plan will be an arrangement based on my current metaphor from music of a concert -- have chatted with a conductor friend who explained in useful terms how she chooses and arranges pieces for a concert. Also I hope to have either beginnings or extensive notes about remaining sections. Much of this process involves looking at all the things I've said I'll do (or would like to do) and deciding which among them are possible -- given time, energy, the necessity to complete this some time. Don't know what they'll think of it all as it's perhaps the most experimental -- a passacaglia and fugue on autobiography and its necessity in this project. My advisor suggested awhile back that I might think of "something fugueish" as I contemplated how to arrange the whole diss -- wonderful, playful advisor has kept this interesting. Thus the concert / fugue metaphors -- hope to include an intermission in the defense during which there is an audience participation, small-group activity designed to encourage meaningful questions. Plan to defend in October 1997 ... at least for now that's the plan if not the metaphor -- present, offer, ???, the dissertation.
Other things: I've had a difficult time holding together the theory, the autobiography, the discussions with study participants, the various pieces. I'm really hoping my study participants remember who I am when I contact them for permission to use their words.
I see my dissertation at work unsettling the dissertation process already and am pleased at this. I'm engaged in discussions here to formalize the notion of peer readers on dissertation committees. Having put a question about the possibility of peer readers out on the CGS Dean's e-discussion list, I know that over three hundred dean-type people have heard about someone wanting a peer reader as a committee member (actually I have one, but the second request came at a bad time -- confluence of other issues -- and the grad committee was apparently on the verge of deciding there'd been a mistake made in my case). Some positive response from the deans' list, though mostly dubious, but my own dean was receptive ... and hence the discussions mentioned above.
It occurred to me a few days ago that I'm finding it almost impossible to think of myself as a student any more -- I've been enrolled in classes since I'm back on campus anyway, but find the "being a student" in some ways confusing. This troubles me as I've always enjoyed being a student and find the ability to "be" one important to my teaching. However, I'm not teaching this year -- rather am the grad fellow in the office of the Dean of the Graduate School -- and am also troubled to find that I don't miss teaching. I'm told by friends that I will long for it after a time. I'd taught nine years without a break prior to this year -- part time sometimes, but consistently, and have wondered what I might do _besides_ teach.
I also wonder about the future of my marriage of 30+ years ... the separation (I'm 400 miles away finishing while my husband is back at home), and probably my work and his, change us in ways that are difficult to bridge. We talk about it tentatively, but are both uncertain about what it will be like to live together again after my two-year appointment here is up. We talk, too, about a long-distance marriage until he is able to retire, and then he'll say something like, "if we get together again ..." sigh ...
All of this is made painfully daily by the autobiographical nature of my dissertation. It's not supposed to be easy, my advisor says. She sustains me. Does this tell you where I am in my work? I'm tempted to ask, if it does, that you let me know ... I could perhaps meander through quite a lot more, and will if you have comments, questions. But now, back to other things.
Glad to share your friendship,
Helen
From Maggie
Mon, 24 Feb 1997 09:25:52 -0600Hi Bobbi,
Please forgive me for not answering sooner. I so enjoyed speaking with you this morning. Somehow it provided a little sanity into my world or at least a reminder that I am still in the world of doctoral experiences. I am so happy to hear of your progression and know that it will be wonderful. After all these hurdles you will be fini! And I do believe it is nothing more than constant hurdles at many times.
I believe, in reflection, that your work is so meaningful and helpful to the discipline of women's studies. I am at a phase where I feel my work is quite insignificant. It is nice to keep in mind how your work has been so gratifying to me as a participant and also to see how meaningful it is to you. You have been nothing but professional, courteous, sensitive, thoughtful, protective, and I could go on.
And now my request. I'd like to add one more section at the end of the dissertation ... an Epilogue ... and I wonder if each of you would like to write a short paragraph or two (or three -- whatever strikes your fancy at this point; space is not an issue) about your reflections on your doctoral experiences at this stage -- perhaps what the experience has meant for you -- and it would be neat if you could include something about what you're doing now and what you see (or would like to see) in your future. My doctoral experiences now have been put on the shelf. I try not to think about it. Unfortunately, as I continue to plan my interviews and conduct them I am reminded that there is more than just me to this endeavor, I am working with some very wonderful people. So, somehow I believe it will develop into something new, something I am hoping to create apart from my original intent since it is now not so new to the discipline. I still fight anger, bitterness and hopelessness. I find when I have time to work I often avoid it. My husband has been gently encouraging me, asking me how he can help. I guess this is just another phase I must endure. I find it interesting that the women in my study provide me with hope and another perspective. It is as if they make the study worthwhile and give it meaning that my doctoral experiences could never do. Perhaps it is the solidification of those experiences. Perhaps, this is real life and not so much politics. I only hope that I can capture their spirit and that it won't get embroiled in another political arena with my advisor.
As for my future, I don't know. I know I will feel better when it is all over because I know I will make it an accomplishment that I will happy with. I look at the future as a blank page much like now. I am continuing to work on a publication and will hope to have a contract for a women's studies text soon. I will contribute a chapter on dance and women. I have been reflecting on other research topics and would like to write. I had the opportunity to present at another women's studies conference in March but circumstances warrant that I just can't go at this time. I have considered looking for another job and if things work out, I think I will do some curriculum development for my brother's business in distance education for children. I may also be able to get some graphic experience in. I hope to further my work in computers with web stuff but feel very inadequate.
I know I am in a difficult space, a sense of limbo but I know that this 'place' will not last forever. As I continue to go through each day, I am beginning to realize that I have interests to pursue. Perhaps this is the period of intense reflection preparing me for change. Perhaps I live in perpetual change now and can't quite keep up. At any rate, I hope to be open to opportunities, whether it is at a University or freelance, or whatever. I have been thinking about choreographing more and a company and even myself performing more. I am fastly approaching 40, just turning 37 and have many things on my mind about my direction.
I don't know that the doctoral degree has done anything for me but tempered me and refined me. It definitely has jolted my life, it has hurt me, it has made me feel like I am an intelligent individual. Now I just need to find out who I am as a consequence. I am a jumble of people and I am trying to find the right fit. I am a mom, a scholar, a career woman. I am a woman who seems to think she must do everything and often does. My strength lies in the accomplishment of many things that a doctoral degree can never match, unless we want to compare it to birthing, etc. The tangible, physical, and emotional extensions of myself are all tied up in the degree but I am trying to make it less important. The doctoral experience will always be a part of my life. I just won't be able to make complete sense of it until it is all over and I am at least 85. (if my children let me live that long) For now I am connected by a thread, my participants in the study. They are the reason for continuing and probably in the long run will be the redeeming factor for me in helping me make 'sense' of the doctoral experience.
Bobbi, Thanks for all your help. I hope this isn't too much rambling. Since your posting and some of the other women's reflections, it has given me a little time for thinking. I am not sure if I am very coherent and I do hope this doesn't hold you back. I am glad you liked the Christmas card. It meant a lot to me to show you a part of my world. I know you are swamped and wish you the best. Take care and I look forward to the good news soon! Hang in there!
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